Wants A Pre-Nup

July 18th, 2002

“I’m about to get married and getting a pre-nuptial done so that she can’t take the Gemini if we split.

My friends suggested that I add a clause stating how often we should have sex. I think this is a top idea, but I am uncertain how often is going to be legally accepted as reasonable and viable.

What is the acceptable level of conjugal obligation these days?

And if I have an affair, does that give her a credit against her account, as I am still making withdrawals?”

TC

Liam’s Answer

Before the wedding is the perfect time to negotiate a pre-nup, and including sexual encounters is both healthy and socially acceptable.

We’ve recevied a lot of questions on this very tiopic recently, so I’ve drafted a clause for you to simply copy and paste into you pre-nup.

Sexual Relations

  1. Each partner shall have the right to initiate in sexual relations at any time up to a maximum of 360 times per year, and the other partner must reciprocate and not complain.
  2. The wife is not permitted to fake it, or engage in conversations about house repairs, the latest dress sales or anything else that puts the husband off.
  3. The husband must stay awake for at least 30 minutes afterwards and cuddle. Rolling over and farting is right out.
  4. The Husband shall have the right to reject the wife’s sexual advances in the following circumstances:
    1. the wife has gone up two dress sizes since the wedding
    2. she has cut her hair into a style that in any way resembles her mother’s, or
    3. she is sticking pins into the condoms in an under-handed attempt to get pregnant.
  5. The wife shall have the right to reject the husband’s sexual advances at any time notwithstanding his annual quota has not been reached in the following circumstances:
    1. He has been out on the piss with his friends;
    2. There is any suggestion of introducing the new girl from the office, his ex-girlfriend or any other party either male or female into the nuptial bed (or the living room);
    3. He suggests anything that is weird, unusual, or involves dressing up in a nurse’s outfit.
  6. Notwithstanding the preceeding clauses, the wife may use the headache excuse 10 times in any one year, PROVIDED THAT she has taken Asprin not more than 4 hours before bed time.
  7. Extra-marital relations between either party and a third party shall count as ‘free sex’ and not be credited against the other’s account PROVIDED THAT the second party doesn’t find out. In the event that the other party finds out, this agreement shall be null and void.

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Wants A Pre-Nup