Want Famous Guy To Notice Me

April 14th, 2007

“I am completely and hopelessly in love with a celebrity. A well known singer in a well known band.

What can I do to get his attention. Something to set me apart from the rest of his fans, and make him notice and want me.”

Tesla Hatt

Liam’s Answer

As any avid reader of People will know, singers are more likely to date movie starts and other singers than they are to date their groupies.

You never see a headline like Kevin Federline was seen last night canoodling an unknown groupie”.

Now in part it is because bonking groupies is so commonplace that it’s not actually newsworthy. And in part it’s because no one cares what Kevin Federline is up to any way. But it also proves the point. You wanna shag a rock star, you gotta be a rock star.

Not only does being rock star in your own right set you apart from all those other fans who aren’t rock stars, it also means that if you fail to catch your intended, you’ll have your own hoard of groupies in whom to console yourself.

Being a rock star requires a great voice, musical talent and, since you’re a girl, a great ass and fantastic dance steps. In fact, since you’re a girl, all you really need is a great ass.

You also need a recording contract, obviously.

Eight to 12 hours each day in the gym will get you your body in about four months. Or, eight to 12 grand at the cosmetic surgeon can buy one in as many days.

Then, send a demo taps (and photos) to your beloved’s record label, and demand that they sign you up. That way, at your album launch party, your guy will be invited to help increase media coverage. Slipping $40,000 in used notes into your demo tape will help ensure you get the deal.

At your album launch party, approach the celebrity of your dreams, and offer him your autograph. Promise to write with your tongue on the body part of his choice.

Providing he doesn’t choose ‘elbow’, you’re in.

Chris’s Answer

Celebrities love to receive photographs of their fans naked. So taking some ‘happy snaps’ of you in the nude and mailing them to him is sure to get his attention.

Unfortunately, most US Postal workers know that celebrities receive a lot of nudie pics in the post, and many feel it is their duty to ‘confiscate’ them en route in order to protect the eyeballs of the rich and famous.

This significantly reduced the chance of your photos actually arriving at their intended recipient. You may, however get a strange phone call from a mailman who would like to invite you to his house for some ‘direct marketing instruction’.

Attempting to deliver the photos personally is likely to get you arrested for stalking. Instead, what your should do is send the photos to Playboy, which will then make you famous as the next ‘Miss June’.

You’ll get lots of calls from mailmen, but you may also get one from Hugh Hefner, inviting you to the Playboy Mansion. Ask Hef to also invite along your admired celebrity. Like any red-blooded man, he’ll accept Mr Hefner’s invitation (I’d even cancel attending my mother’s funeral if I got the call).

With a little luck, your singer will have seen your Playboy spread, like what he saw, ‘accidentally’ bump into you and spill champagne down your bikini (forcing you to giggle and take it off) and your dreams will come true.

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Want Famous Guy To Notice Me