Unwanted Accumulations

January 1st, 1998

Dear Jo,

I was recently at a dinner party with my boss and work colleagues and my parents when I poisoned them all with a bottle of cyanide poured into the soup.

It seemed like a bit of a laugh at the time, but now I’m left with a problem.

How do I dispose of 27 bodies? Please reply soon as some of them are starting to smell.

Yours

Jon Jones

Flat 5

97 Curlewis St

Bondi Beach 2026

Sydney

PS I have had one of the neighbours threaten to call the landlord if I didn’t get rid of the smell by today.

How do I dispose of 28 bodies?

Jo’s Advice

Dear Jon

Removing bodies can be tricky. Obviously a friendly doctor who’s happy to say they all died of natural causes would come in handy here. What a pity you killed so many of your friends. My guess is you got rid of the doctor too.

Serial killers have used a number of strategies over the years, from chopping the bodies up and flushing them down the loo, through to using them as a novel insulation in the walls.

Personally, I think you should take the lead of the recent German train crash, which took out a great deal more than your poxy 28.

Here’s what to do.

  1. Buy a group booking on a train. 27 tickets will be adequate.
  2. Organise for a truck to crash off a bridge onto the train. I suggest ask your dead doctor friend to drive it, and put it on his AMEX card.
  3. Let the authorities find the bodies.
  4. Get off scott free.

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Unwanted Accumulations