The Perfect Girl

June 6th, 2005

“There is this really PERFECT girl at school, but, she has a boyfriend who she thinks is perfect. I really think I love her. What do I do???????!!!!!!”

Sam Rivet

Liam’s Answer

What is it about perfect people? they always seem to be attracted to other perfect people, and leave the rest of us with, well, I suppose with the rest of us.

Sam, your perfect girl loves a perfect guy, and of course, he loves her back because she’s perfect too. You’ve got two choices. First, you could become perfect yourself. This will no doubt involve considerable amounts of dieting, cleansing therapy and cosmetic surgery, and will take months to complete.

The better option is to drag her down to your level.

Buy a bottle of liquid Drano at your local supermarket and hurl it into your beloved’s face. This will cause severe acid burns which will leave her horribly disfigured, and force her to endure months of special, liquid only diets, physical therapy and cosmetic surgery to correct the scarring. Use that time when she’s less than perfect to show her what a great guy you are by delivering her beautiful things such as flowers, art works and pictures of super models cut out from magazines each day.

She’ll either fall in love with you or have you arrested. And if you do land your sorry butt in jail, at least you’lll know you gave it your best shot – right into her left eye.

Chris’ Answer

If there’s one thing perfect people hate, it’s being put up on a pedestal for being perfect. And I know. My mother used to make me stand as still as a statue for up to three-hours at a time just so my aunties could admire me. The ordeal gave me a horrible stoop, because the pedestal was 4 feet high, and if I stoood up straight, I’d hit my head on the ceiling.

Sam, don’t go around holding this girl up to be perfect. She’s not. Think about it. If she was perfect, she’d have the sense to be in love with you, rather than her current boyfriend.

My suggestion is to show her how imperfect her man is. Start spreading horrible, vindictive rumours about him around the school yard. It’s best if the rumours are un-provable.

For example, don’t spread the rumour that he has a smally willy. He can prove you wrong by dropping his pants in PE. Better to spread a rumour that his willy has been surgically enhanced. If he drops his pants and he’s enormous, people will believe the rumour. And if he drops his pants to show that he’s small, well….. You see, that just won’t happen, will it.

His reputation will be ruined, and you’ll be happy forever.

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The Perfect Girl