Spandex Makes My Bum Look Big

March 16th, 2007

“My girlfriend and I love wearing spandex in bed, but we don’t have the bodies for it. How can I make my ass smaller.”

Kerry Brind’amour

Liam’s Answer

Many people don’t look great in bed. It’s why pajamas are loose fitting. It’s why we hop under the sheets. It’s why people often turn the lights out before the shagging.

I personally love wearing spandex in bed. Unfortunately, like the 99.9% of the world’s population who are not superheroes, spandex is not a good look for me. I’m not as tight and firm as I once was, and I never had abs of steel in the first place, so we’re talking ‘quite unattractive’ these days.

But the great thing about spandex is that it’s a completely man-made fibre that doesn’t breathe at all. So you get hot and sweaty in about 30 seconds, whether or not there’s anyone else even in the bed room. There’s nothing like uncomfortable clothing to get me in the mood for tearing it off and making mad, passionate love.

Amazingly, removing the spandex instantly makes all your flab appear diminished. It’s like an instant body make over just taking it off.

Chris’ Answer

Some people will recommend dieting and exercise to improve your body shape and look good in Spandex. Others will opt for liposuction and silicone implants as a quicker, longer lasting, and less grueling alternative.

Personally, I think that if you want to really look wonderful in a tight spandex outfit, you need to get bitten by a radioactive animal, or be exposed to an energy beam from a distant sun.

This can be harder than it looks, but attaining super powers is a sure-fire way of getting a smaller ass, and improving your sex-life. Sure, that loser Superman spends all his time not getting Lois Lane into bed, but that studly Batman doesn’t seem to have too much trouble with the ladies.

More importantly, if you get the right superpowers, you could develop amazing stretching abilities that your girlfriend will love, or super stamina which she’ll also find handy. Of course, you may get shrinking powers, and while becoming “The Amazing Inch-High Guy”. This will let you save the world and make your butt tiny, but it’s unlikely to float your girlfrinend’s boat.

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Spandex Makes My Bum Look Big