Old Women Love Me

January 1st, 1998

“Dear Jo,

Recently I have become a media sensation as I have appeared on TV. Sure it was only a commercial, but I feel I am doing my bit to prevent osteoporosis. As a result every woman over the age of forty five has been swooning at my feet thanking me for helping them realise it is bad if they fall over as they may break a hip. What can I do to stop this constant facade of public health and make these women understand I am not interested.”

The Physical Kid

Jo’s Advice

Dear Physical Kid,

It’s a toughie. We all know the seductive power of TV. We all know that otherwise foul men become sex gods when their on the box. Look at David Hasslehoff. Look at Sam Newman. Look at Jerry Seinfeld.

Luckily, I’ve recently solved your problem for Chris. This should work for you too.

Chris’ problem started when he starred in a TV commercial advertising that a certain brand of ultra-filtered low-fat, high-calcium milk. The tag was that it was good for bones.

It was a little bit risqué, because he’d poured milk all over his groinal department, and the double entendre was so obvious it was really only a single entendre.

Women threw themselves at him for a few weeks. Most of them were pretty old, fat and disgusting. Just the sort of women Chris usually goes for. But their fawning and swooning put him off this time, and he came to me, desperate.

The problem was, because of the double entendre, women thought the milk would make him good in bed.

We decided to prove the ad wrong.

Chris videotaped himself drinking 38 Kahlua and ultra-filtered low-fat, high-calcium milks. He then attempted to shag someone.

He was so drunk, he tried to shag a reflection of himself. Happily, there was no action in the groinal department whatsoever, and the mirror was not broken.

Chris’ arm was shattered in three places, though, proving that the milk was ineffective for normal bones too. I should add that a fall from a third story balcony is a big ask for any calcium supplement.

To publicise his lack of prowess in the milk department, Chris is now raising money to show the video on television.

That’s what I suggest you do, too.

Oh, and also, stop fantasizing about being Chris. He’s a loser, and no one likes him.

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Old Women Love Me