My Girlfriend Is Growing

February 9th, 2007

“At the moment my girlfriend and I are the same height, but I’m afraid that she’s going to get taller than me ’cause I’m not supposed to grow too much more, so what should I do?”


Liam’s Answer

There are a number of things you can do to avoid the embarrassing social dilemma of dating a girl who is taller than you. Obviously you could dump her now, before she has her growth spurt, but that’s pretty extreme because it means you’ll miss out of potentially months of kissing and cuddling.

The best thing is to get her to avoid her growth spurt altogether. This is best achieved through suppressing the human growth hormone that the body naturally produces at puberty. And the best, most natural way to do this is to ensure the body misses out on adequate nutrition at the time it needs it most.

What you need to do is give your girlfriend anorexia.

Start with some simple little comments that will get her thinking. “Boy, that Calista Flockhart is looking chunky in Brothers and Sisters. I sure hope you never pile on the weight like she has,” should work a charm.

You might also slip in something like “Hey, let’s go to McDonald’s.” Pause and look at her thighs, then continue, “You’ll want the salad, right?”

With a few weeks of that sort treatment, even Mary Kate Olsen woud be wondering if her butt was looking big. Your girlfriend will be limiting herself to a water cracker a day, and her weight will plummet.

Don’t stop. Her growth spurt will kick in as soon as her parents slip vitamins into the tap water. So you need to get them out of the way.

One evening, ask them if you can have a ‘talk about your concerns for their daughter.’ Reveal to them your worries that she’s too thin and may be anorexic. Tell them that you want to support her and help her through this time. Get her admitted to hopsital.

While she’s receiving treatments, visit her daily. Bring her chocolates and candies. Tell her you love her, and want her forever. Call her “Sugar” and “Honeybunch” and “Cherry Pie”. And make sure you’ve laced the lollies with laxatives.

With luck, she’ll miss her growth spurt, and in a few years time, you’ll still be the taller of the two.

If not, dump her.

Chris’ Answer

There’s no big deal about having a girlfriend who’s taller than you. In fact, if you think about it, it’s the short, ugly guys who date the supermodels. The secret to their success is being rich.

Now, here’s the cool thing. If you’re shorter than your girlfriend, everyone will assume you must be rich. I mean, why else would she be dating a shorty, right?

Now, here’s the really cool thing. If people think you’re rich, they treat you like you’re rich. Which means they’ll do stuff like lend you money.

Now, here’s the best thing. If people lend you money, you can pretend to be rich and spend that money on fun stuff like private jets, holidays in Hawaii and cruises on the Carribbean. You can live a life of luxury, based only on the fact that people assumed you were intending to pay them back.

So don’t fear a taller girlfriend. Embrace her. She’s your ticket to a lifestlye of the rich and famous.

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My Girlfriend Is Growing