Motorbike Maniac

January 1st, 1998

My problem is that I have discovered bikes a couple of years ago. Motorbikes. Now I am hooked. I read magazines the moment they come out, reading and rereading until they get tatty and the next issue comes out.

I have started recruiting friends into getting bikes, even though they may be deeply in debt already. I approach people I barely know and start having lengthy conversations about the latest models available, power to weight, rear-wheel horsepower, handling, etc. etc.

My girlfriend is going quietly crazy due to the amount of time and money I spend on my bike making it look better, go better and sound better. I am well and truly addicted.

Can I stop?


(Now recovered from the splitting headaches. Thank you)

Jo’s Advice

It’s very healthy to be obsessed with machinery.

Most boys I know substitute an obsession with their penis for an obsession with large machines. Except for my friend Tony. He substituted an obsession with trains for an obsession with his penis, and now masturbates while making choo-choo noises. He calls it “shunting”.

It’s actually been good for his sexual performance. He used to finish really quickly, but he’s now regularly six minutes late.

Often he cancels unexpectedly, which is very annoying.

Of course your girlfriend (can I call her Naomi, she sounds like a Naomi?) is sick to death of you. You’re ignoring her. You’re telling me you’d rather talk to complete strangers than her. And when it’s time for the weekly trip to McDonald’s, you’re out of cash because of the new bloody petrol cap you’ve just had chromed.

I’m sick of you too. She should leave you, and good riddance to bad rubbish, I say.

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Motorbike Maniac