Mismatched Libido

May 8th, 2004

“I’m hot and 49, she’s cool and 35.

For the first time in my adult life, I’m in a relationship without regular and mutually enjoyable passion.

For almost 4 years, I’ve been through a repeating cycle of ‘warming up’ the passionate aspect of my marriage, only to have it fizzle within a few weeks.

It’s very discouraging when you hear ‘We’ve got to wrap this up, I’ve got to get up in the morning’ or ‘Got something for me?’ in between, you know. Or worst: ‘Better make your move before I get sleepy.’

Talk about perfect mood killers.

Through a normal 18 month courtship (we knew each other quite well for 7 years prior to hitching up) and the first two years of marriage, it was even at the ‘pet name for the little friend’ stage, and included the feathers, candles, wine, etc. etc.

Even though my adventurous nature never quite took hold with her, I compromised. I’m just not that selfish.

Now, I’d find it hard to believe, although I admit to the possibility, that she was finding my well established satisfaction in this department in my previous marriage of over a decade and a half to be something of a competitive burden – well, if she didn’t want to know, then she shouldn’t have asked. But, even then, I was guarded, cautious, diplomatic, etc. with my only-when-requested ‘feedback’.

Besides, almost four years of more than adequate passion shows she ‘can’ be more than capable, but the desire has waned considerably.

She knew, long before we began our relationship, about my nature, through a few wagging tongues of friends (my ex had a big mouth!)

So, taking this as a positive throughout the courtship and two years of marriage removes any suggestion of surprise or incompatibility. This about face puts enormous strains on a guy. That’s another story.

And please, not the ‘magazines…daydreaming…’ route. That’s a very temporary direction.


Harry Long

Liam’s Answer

We’ve all been married to someone who goes frigid on us.

Well, actually, I haven’t. But you have. And I was trying to empathise.

The best way to fire up a relationship that isn’t working is to have a threesome with your partner, and her hot best friend you’ve always had a thing for. In my experience, this seems to work every time. Admittedly, my experience comes from reading Penthouse Forum, rather than any actual ‘this bed ain’t big enough for all of us’ action. But in the letters, it never fails to spice up the marriage. And those letters are all true, right?

Chris’ Answer

Marriage is about compromise and commitment. It’s about a committment to being married, and about compromising a little bit to make that commitment work. It’s about each person putting the needs of the other partner before their own.

Which means, in your case, you should stop trying to bonk your wife, and she should put out more.

Easier said than done, unfortunately.

Many things in a marriage can make the passion run cold. You may have lost some hair, and begun swooping it up over from on ear to the other with an appalling comb-over. That would be enough to put out any passion fires, I reckon. You may have a new love handle that your wife doesn’t like grabbing on to.

Or she may just be annoyed that you try to initiate sex right as she’s about to go to sleep before a busy day at the office.

Maybe you need to pick your moment better.

Perhaps you should schedule in some love-making time?

If not with your wife, then with her hot best friend you’ve always had a thing for.

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Mismatched Libido