Miserable Mark

January 1st, 1997

“Dear Jo Stanley,

My wife and kids left me, my job is on the line, my life is in the toilet, but, I feel just fine.

What should I do about my housemate who doesn’t wipe the crumbs off the bench after she butters her Marmite toast without a plate. One half of me thinks it’s too trivial to mention, but the other half wants to kill her with lots of pain.

These crumbs are driving me fucking nuts.

What should I do, Jo Stanley?”

Mark Levi

Jo’s Advice

It appears you have two problems, but I suggest they’re interrelated. The first is your inappropriate reaction to your life being “in the toilet”.

Feeling fine when all around you is bleak is the classic male response to emotional stress. It’s crap. The whole world knows men don’t feel fine when they get the sack, and the family walks out.

The only person who feels good about that is the local publican, whose sales soar through the roof.

Don’t kid yourself Mark.

You’re miserable, and I suggest you buy a box of Kleenex, and watch a lovely movie like “While You Were Sleeping”. Just try not to drown in your own tears.

Which gets us to problem two: the crumbs.

My advice is to get a new flat mate. I had a flat mate who ate Marmite, instead of the Vegemite she should have been eating.

I got rid of her by reporting her activities to ASIO. I told them Marmite eating is a sure sign of ‘un-Australian behaviour’, and I wanted my flatmate kidnapped and tortured. She over-heard the conversation, thought I was taking out a contract on her life, and ran out of the house like a person frightened to live with me.

I’ve never seen her again. Thank God.

Hope that gives you some clues.

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Miserable Mark