Long Distance Goes Face To Face

March 2nd, 2007

“I recently began a relationship with a girl from another state. I am going to meet her for the first time soon and I am anxious about it. You guys got any tips to calm my nerves?”

Luke T

Liam’s Answer

There is nothing more nerve racking than meeting a girl for the first time. Except maybe meeting the hoped for girl-of-your-dreams-from-interstate-after-a-long-and-tempestuous-internet-romance for the first time, which probably multiplies the anxiety factor by about 1.5 billion.

No wonder you’re looking for ways to calm your nerves.

In terms of nerve calming, the best thing you can do before meeting this woman is to take a large amount of Vicodin. This wonderful little pill calms you down, and lets you get on with the task of impressing your beloved. Unfortunately, Vicodin is a prescription-only medication, and for a doctor to give it to you, you need some pretty major surgery. You might not look so wonderful turning up to your hot date as cool as a cucumber but covered head to toe in bandages and wincing in pain every time you turn you try to smile.

So in these social situations, I usually recommend alcohol. It’s cheap, it’s available almost everywhere, and if you pretend you’re a wine aficionado, it can even make you seem like you’re an interesting and intellectual kind of a guy.

To carry this off, you need to learn some key, wine-tasting phrases, like “The tannin is a little piquant on the tongue”, “I can detect a hint of strawberries, rain on a field of wheat and the tang of a fresh-cut lawn in this”, and “This one tastes remarkably like lawn-mower fuel.”

Drop these phrases alternately into your comments about each of the wines you sample, and within four glasses, she’ll think you’re a deeply sophisticated and interesting gentleman. Keep it up, and after four bottles of wine, she’ll believe pretty much anything you tell her. This is why men take women to wine-tastings; to get them drunk.

Good luck.

Chris’ Answer

There are plenty of reasons to be anxious about meeting your long-distance internet lover. Is she as pretty as the photos? Has she gained weight since the photos? Is she in fact a woman? Or did that lousy sex-change doctor demand even more money before doing the operation?

Most of these worries are easily dealt with. A simple call to her will confirm that she still loves you. A simple call to Jenny Craig will confirm she’s still on target. And a simple call to her HMO will ensure your lover turns up in the same gender as you expect.

But at the end of the day, it all comes down to trust.

You’ll both be nervous. You both have a lot of emotional investment in the relationship, and you’re both scared that things may not go out as planned. You’re both also prepared to forgive minor short-comings.

It’s faith in each other that will get you through.

And this is where your strength will come from.

She’ll be prepared to overlook as many ‘shortcomings’ between what you said and reality as you are for her. So you know you can lie like hell now, and when you meet her, and she won’t care.

So lie about anything you want to. Tell her you’ve never been in prison. Tell her the jury was confused. Tell her that “no” can in fact mean “yes” if there are shotguns involved. She’ll overlook the truth, and see into the real you she imagines you to be.

So book a Super 8 for your first date. Have a ball. Don’t be nervous. But don’t give your real name, just in case.

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Long Distance Goes Face To Face