I’m Intelligent and He’s a Pea-Brain

January 1st, 2000

“My ex boyfriend and I work for the same company (different divisions) and we would occasionally talk on the phone, I found out he had been separated for 6 months from his wife of 18 years and there was another woman involved. One day we got together, he ignored my protests to keep it cool and take it slow and before long I was the recipient of a diamond ring, gold necklace, dozens and dozens of red and white roses, flowers, gifts,cards, beautiful love songs on CD.

I’m ashamed to say it but I started to fall for this, I moved in to a new home 2 – 3 weeks ago, he took time off work to help me and help me he did, worked on the garden, built shelves and was just wonderful. I had also met his two kids who were gorgeous and I got along with them extremely well. He had also asked me to ‘grow old’ with him and we had planned a holiday o/s together early next year.

I detected a shift in his feelings a few days ago (I have no idea why I just did) and we got into a heated discussion about this other woman, it turned into an argument and I told him my advice was to give her a call and try to work it out with her.

Three days later after quite a few drinks I decide to go an visit him, I knock on his door (oh yeah he had moved 1 minute up the street to be closer to me) and he answers the door and comes outside, ‘I’ve got someone with me’ he says, “I took your advice and rang her’ he says.

‘Oh’, I say, ‘goodness’. Shortly after that I rip his glasses off his silly face and twist the frames into a tiny ball, the lenses are in the garden somewhere I think. I heard from him two days later when he rang to ‘talk’, I told him I had someone there and hung up.

Am I a total idiot to get involved with someone just out of a marriage and how the hell can someone claim to love me as much as he did and do as much as he did and yet go back (apparently) to this other woman? Yes, I am bad tempered and insecure but I’m intelligent and he’s a pea brain!!!!”


Jo’s Advice

All of this business has nothing to do with intelligence (except that in my world pea brains are rarely attractive, but each to their own).

What you’ve got here is a case of serial monogamy. He’s married, he breaks up, has some thing with this other woman (probably showered gifts and other romantic gaff on her too), and then ends up professing eternal devotion to you.

He claims to love you and then goes back to the other chick because he doesn’t know what he wants.

Some men are so out of touch with their feelings they just need to feel anything (or anyone) to make them feel human. You should send him a mood ring so he learns some kind of self-awareness.

You weren’t a total idiot to get involved with this guy – you’re not the first woman to make this kind of mistake. You were perhaps a little misguided mentioning the other woman, but some day the sisterhood will thank you.

In the mean time, enjoy some singledom. Get to know yourself, understand who you are and what you want (I would suggest that men straight out of marriages with pathological commitment on their mind should be at the bottom of the list).

Spoil yourself and take time to just be you.

And if this still doesn’t heal you, go round to his house in the middle of the night (conveniently one minute away), and kick in his car.

You’ll feel a whole lot better.

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I’m Intelligent and He’s a Pea-Brain