I Need Money Until Payday

January 21st, 2007

“My bank balance is $450 withdrawn and I need a way to put that money back in and have some left over as I am not getting paid for two weeks.

Is there any possible way this could be done in the next few days?”

Nick Adams

Liam’s Answer

What you need is a payday loan. Payday loans are a great concept in consumer lending, in which you approach a company with a fun sounding name like “Money Tree”, “My Cash Now” and “Fast Cash Now”, ask them to lend you a small amount of money, and a couple weeks later, pay them back an extremely large amount of money.

Finding an online payday loan lender is easy. A quick Google search for “payday loan” will have you bombarded with attractive offers. You will need to be careful. Payday lenders don’t do it out of the goodness of their hearts. They lend money to make more, and they do it by charging fees each time you borrow “to tide you over to payday”.

In your case, Nick, you’re $450 short, with two weeks to go. A loan of about $675 would clear your overdrawn amount, and give you enough to live on for two weeks. That will come with around $65 in fees, which is 9.6%. Not bad, when credit card interest rates and charges are about 18%, until you remember that the Mastercard rate is for a whole year, and the payday loan fee is for a 26th of that. Eggheads have calculated that, if you don’t pay off that first payday loan in full and never take out another one ever, you’re soon paying back a loan more than 300% bigger than what you originally borrowed.

Eggheads take all the fun out of life. They say things like “If you didn’t blow $450 in a wild night of Texas Hold’em you wouldn’t be in this mess,” but what they forget is that you’ve purchased a lifetime of memories. And, if you play your cards right Nick, you’re actually taking the first steps towards total financial independence.

Here’s what you need to do.

First, take out that payday loan for $675. Then, go and spend $300 on booze and porn (include a couple of bottles of medicinal alcohol to spike all the drinks), and invite over five of your buddies for a boys night. Make sure each of them puts $375 into the Texas Hold’em pot. Play poker, and get them them totally drunk, but kindly offer to be the designated driver. Stay totally sober, but make sure they all party hard. Spiking the drinks will help. At the end of the night, the $2,250 poker pot will be pretty much randomly distributed between you all. Suggest you’re still in need of fun, and ply them with more alcohol.

A few hours later, when they’re all passed out on your floor, put some ‘bump and grind’ rock on the stereo, flash red and blue lights in their eyes and quitely steal all the their money from their wallets. This will put the $2,250 into your wallet. Then – using a vacuum cleaner – give each of your friends lurid bruises all over there thighs. They’ll be drunk, tired and out of it, so what goes on will be a blur. Drive them home and as they stumble inside, promise them you won’t tell their anybody about “the thing with the ladyboy”.

The next morning, when they wake, they’ll check their wallets and find they’re broke. They’ll try to think back to what happened, and recall only poker, alcohol, flashing lights and stripper music. They’ll see the bruises on their legs and imagine they had a great time at the lap dance tables. And they’ll remember you promising not to tell anyone about their embarrrassing “ladyboy incident”.

They will assume that they ogled and orgied the night away, and will be too embarrassed to talk to anyone else about it in case the “ladyboy incident” is brought up. You, on the other hand, will have $2,250 cash, which you can use to:

  1. Repay $740 to the payday lender, which is your original loan plus fees.
  2. Pay the bank the $450 you owe them. Don’t forget that.
  3. Use the rest of the cash ($1060) to set up your own payday lending empire by lending each of your friends $212 to tide them over until payday.

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I Need Money Until Payday