Hornier Than My Lover

August 11th, 2004

“I’m way hornier than my partner!!

We’ve been together for a year, and the biggest problem between us is that I’m a very horny person, and he isn’t! I’m wanting it at least once a day, and he’s happy to go anywhere around a week without it.

He’s only 25, I’m 29.

Is there a way I can turn it down? I feel frustrated and get really cranky when he comes to bed and goes to sleep, leaving me horny and sometimes feeling a bit rejected.

Seriously, is there a pill I can take to tone it down a bit? He tells me I’m a nymphomaniac, but I don’t think I’m that bad!!”

Sarah

Liam’s Answer

Wanting to shag at least once a day isn’t anything like ‘nymphomania”, which, if memory serves me correctly, psychiatrists used to define as an incapacity to be sexually satisfied.

At least, that used to be the definition until it was revealed that most women who couldn’t achieve sexual satisfaction weren’t nymphomaniacs, but rather, had inept lovers.

It seems to me that your man has successfully shifted the blame for his problem on to you. At only once a week, I’d suggest your boyfriend needs a pill to raise his sex drive, rather than you needing one to lower yours. A course of viagara might be a good idea.

But medical science isn’t enough. You should change your behaviour a bit to ‘spice it up in the bed room’.

I recommend that you start acting sexy around the house. Spend your days flouncing around the house in skimpy underwear. Sit provocatively on your couch. Dance around the lounge room, slowly removing your clothes just before bed. Begin sun baking naked in your back yard.

If that doesn’t give a strong hint to your boyfriend, then have an affair with your next door neighbour. Having glimpsed your ‘sex-goddess’ act, I’m sure he’ll be more than keen to help satisfy you.

Chris’ Answer

I’m concerned that your boyfriend only wants to have sex with you once a week. That suggests a severe problem.

Have there been any of the following changes recently:

  • Weight gain
  • Sudden appearance of wrinkles or other signs of aging
  • Offensive body odour

If you’ve developed any of these traits, I’d suggest that your partner has realised he’s got an ugly girlfriend, and is withdrawing from sexual intimacy until he’s so horny, he doesn’t care. That would explain the weekly cycle.

I recommend you get liposuction and a face-lift.

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Hornier Than My Lover