Farts Stained Girlfriend’s Cushions

August 13th, 2000

“I farted and stained the cushion on my girlfriend’s new chair. Do you have any tips on how to clean her upholstery? Does this void the warranty on the new chair? How do I break the news to my girlfriend?”

Dr “Sour Britches” TooTH

Jo’s Advice

You farted and stained a cushion? That ain’t no fart, buddy, that’s a noise with follow-through. And what were you doing sitting on your girlfriend’s nice new chair with no nickers on? That indicates a severe lack of respect for furniture and your girlfriend.

For cleaning I recommend reupholstery. Re the warranty, unless you can make it look like it was done during delivery (of the chair, I mean) you’ve got buckleys. As for the girlfriend, there won’t be any need to break the news to her, because she will just know – you can’t mistake that kind of stain. In which case, I’d guess you haven’t got a girlfriend any more, whether she be fart stained or not. Go and learn some manners, and buy yourself a pair of underpants.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I feel vaguely ill…

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Farts Stained Girlfriend’s Cushions