Disney On Ice

July 18th, 2002

“Dear Gorskys

I have two beautiful children. They enlighten my life with every passing hour, and I thank God every day for them. Everything they do and say is like a gift from heaven.

The other day they asked me to take them to Disney On Ice. How do I get out of having to do it?”


Liam’s Answer

Walt Disney has given the world some wonderful things. Feature length carttoons. The lovable Mickey Mouse. Donald Duck. Pluto the dog. Goofy the… whatever the hell Goofy is.

But like most good things, there is a downside.

Disney’s obsession with ice has let loose some total horrors into the world. Cryogenics is the first to spring to mind. Disney On Ice is the worst.

When I was a kid, I went to Disney On Ice, and it was totally crap. Sadly the dreams of childhood can rarely be explained away by telling the kid “it’s totally crap”. Some disappointments you need to experience for yourself.

My biggest fear for you Paddy is that your kids are some of the small minority of humans on the planet who become so transfixed with Disney on Ice that they want to see it wach and every time it tours your neck of the woods.

This would be a fate worse than sitting through 15 re-runs of the Lion King on video.

Clearly, what you need to do is make your own Disney ice-capade that is so appallingly shithouse that not even a slug would enjoy it.

Of course, since this is the typical real Disney on Ice experience, it’s going to be tough. The trick is to include a lot more violence and sheer terror for your kids than they’d usually experience.

This is where that Disney classic, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs on Ice becomes crucial.

Stage your own. Get a few bags of crushed Ice and spread them over the driveway. You play the wicked witch.

Get the kids up for some audience participation. Feed them both a poisoned apple. I find that a hefty spray of fly spray usually does the trick.

With any luck, the little ones will spend the next few weeks chucking their guts up, and will be sworn off Disney On Ice for life.

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Disney On Ice