Boss Is Deranged

December 1st, 2003

“Our boss is completely deranged. He would be harmless enough in a different setting but as library director he is leading us to disaster.

He doesn’t understand what a budget is. He babbles about the “radiant core” of the Internet He doesn’t want to buy books because that is boring.

Worst of all, he brings his brother to work with him every day.

How can we save ourselves and get rid of this guy?”

Gussie Arthur

Liam’s Answer

Having an idiot for a boss is a real pain. Not only is he not as good as you at anything, but he gets paid twice as much as you do.

Getting him sacked isn’t going to be easy though. The problem is, you work in a library. Everyone likes to say how much they like libraries, but the truth is, no one wants to pay the taxes needed to keep them going.

That means you can’t get your boss sacked by revealing to the world that he’s a deranged monster. They’ll more likely give him a medal for just helping to do what everyone wants: close the library.

What you need to do make your library an outstanding success, then make sure he gets the credit. Deliberately misinterpret his instructions to make sure you improve the library.

Go to him with a list of books you want to buy. Make sure they’re all Mills and Boon titles. When he says “No, I’m not buying books”, go ahead and place an order for the best sellers you wanted to buy all along.

When he gets angry, just say “Oh, I thought you meant not to buy the books on the list. Sorry.” Then continue to lend out the latest John Grishams to your happy patrons.

When he says the Internet has a radiant core, install sun lounges and a huge UV lamp in front of the computers so people can tan and surf at the same time. Hand out pina coladas to anyone surfing literature sites.

When he brings his brother to work, give the brother an office and a pile of work to do. Flash your breasts at him, then promise not to have him locked in prison for attempted sexual assault if he completes the pile by home time. The work will get done, and as he’s not on wages, productivity per employee will shoot through he roof.

With successes like that, they’ll sack your boss in an instant.

Chris’ Answer

Your boss sounds like a total pain. You need to have him killed. Set a trap for him.

Look up one of the “How Electricity Works” books in the library (I recommend Electricity: How It Works by P Dunsheath, ISBN 0690258038). Using your new found knowledge, wire up one of the library’s computers so that when your boss logs in, he’ll get a fatal electric shock through the mouse.

Next time your boss is babbling on about the Internet and it’s sheer brilliance when compared to boring old books, take him to your libraries computer terminal and ask him to show you some of his favourite sites.

As soon as he’s absorbed in telling you how great Google is a search engine, flick the switch and let him fry.

For added coolness, I recommend you dust his remains from the chair and say “I agree. The Internet’s got a radiant core, but no one ever got electrocuted by a book.”

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Boss Is Deranged