Am I Going Mad?

January 1st, 1997

“Dear Gorskys,

I have hair on the palm of my hand… am I going mad?”

Norm

Liam’s Advice

It’s a well known fact that the palms of the human hand are completely bald. The lack of hair means you get cold hands in winter, but also allows you to unscrew the lid of a peanut butter jar without screaming out in pain.

However, under some circumstances, people do get hair on the palms of their hand.

Frequent masturbation was long blamed for this. It used to be thought it would cause hair to grow on your palm, but that’s not quite true.

When you masturbate, you’re playing with fire as well as yourself.

Pubic hairs are notorious for getting everywhere. Personally, I’ve never been naked in my kitchen, but yesterday I found a pube in the second drawer down.

Pubes will naturally attach themselves to your hands as you imagine you’re not single after a sad Saturday night watching TV. And if the love juices dry, the pube can be be stuck on for days.

So my advice is to wear rubber gloves.

These will hide your hairy palms the next day at the office, and no one will suspect there is anything wrong with you. I recommend pink gloves to best match your skin tone. Yellow ones will have people wondering if you’ve got jaundice.

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Am I Going Mad?