Why It’s Better To Encounter Wild Animals In The Zoo

March 8th, 2007
Elephant taking a crap

Encountering elephants in the wild can be a shitty experience.

We’ll be among the first to admit that it’s unusual for modern city-dwellers to spend time with wild beasts. Lions may roam the Serengeti, but they’re not so common in the suburbs.

Some people bemoan our distance from nature and the elements. They say it’s awful that we insulate ourselves from the environment, and that this insulation leads to us not caring completely about the horrible destruction and extinction we cause. They say it’s a disaster that soon, the only places many animals may exist will be in a zoo.

To this, we say, “piffle.”

It’s a good thing we don’t have to deal with wild animals in our everyday lives. It’s excellent that we keep wildebeests and other wild beasts safely behind bars. Here are some of our reasons.

  • Wild animals are frightened of man-made food; zoo animals will beg to eat your crusts, thus solving the dilemma of your mother yelling at you to eat ALL your lunch when you get home.
  • Seeing animals in their natural environment often involves not actually seeing them. Why spend hours tramping through the forest to search for an ape that hides too well to be seen, when you can spend hours tramping through the zoo to a clearly marked concrete cage of an ape that is on loan to another zoo?
  • Animals in the wild are too far from ice-cream.
  • There is a greater chance of seeing another human being being eaten by a lion at a crowded zoo than there is when you are all alone in the wilderness.
  • The wild is mostly empty. Zoos are brimming with terrifying beasts. For example, Melbourne Zoo has butterflies.
  • When you crave solitude, there’s no need to go to the remote jungle when you simply need to visit the skunk enclosure.
  • Animals in the zoo are ridiculously well-fed and regard humans with disdain. Beasts in the wild are often hungry, and view you as a snack.
  • Where would you prefer to see a deadly Taipan: behind six inches of bullet-proof glass, or curled up in your underpants drawer?
  • Animals in the wild are often miles and miles from a useful little plaque telling you what their scientific name is.
  • In the wild, people are often armed for protection. When you’re at the zoo, there’s a good chance everyone around you doesn’t have a shotgun. Unless you’re in Idaho.
  • It’s easier to pick up a single dad at the zoo.
  • At the zoo, if a tiger escapes, there are dozens of old people on walking frames that they’ll eat before you.
  • In the wild, a trip from the zebras on the Serengeti to the bears at the North Pole costs thousands of dollars in airline fares and involves over 36 hours of waiting in airports. The same experience can be accomplished at a zoo with only hundreds of dollars of admission fees and ice-creams, and only 35 hours waiting in line.
  • Someone cleans up the elephant excrement at the zoo.

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Why It’s Better To Encounter Wild Animals In The Zoo