Strict Rules For The Beijing Olympics

August 1st, 2008

The exiled leader of Tibet, the Dalai Lama, hopes China will recognise Tibet's independence in time for the Olympics, so he may represent Tibet in the 100m sprint - an event he has been training for since his exile in 1959.

The 2008 Beijing Olympics have been overshadowed by controversy as China struggles to find a balance between the strict regimen of the Communist state, and the happy-go-lucky, fancy-pants nature of Western Capitalism.

Censorship has been top of the concerns expressed about the Games. Chinese officials have already banned all banners, flags of non-participating members, flash photography, drunkenness, nudity and gambling, sit-ins, demonstrations, soft drink containers, musical instruments, cigarette lighters and radios.

Sounds like a bag of fun.

In light of these restrictions, GORSKYS.COMedy are pleased to present some other rules and prohibitions for the Beijing Games.

  • Reporters must avoid the use of any words that include the letters T, I, B or E.
  • Spectators will remain seated at all times, except when they wish to go to the toilet, in which case they will raise their hand and wait to be given permission to stand.
  • Swimming heats and finals will be performed in stadiums under subdued lighting for decency reasons.
  • Winners of the skeet shooting will not only win a gold medal, but also be immediately conscripted into the People’s Liberation Army.
  • Visitors will be allowed to access the internet; however, they must apply in writing to the Chinese Communist Party 14 days prior, with a full explanation of why they wish to view the site in question. The Chinese Communist Party will then print the page(s) in black and white,and strike out any words or images deemed ‘inappropriate’ and send these back to the applicant.
  • Spectators will be allowed to cheer for the athletes; however, they must use the Chinese Communist Party’s approved chant: “Please perform to your best abilities, professional athlete(s) of my choice / Though I mean no disrespect to your competitors, you are clearly the stronger performer.”

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Strict Rules For The Beijing Olympics