How To Save The Whales (And Other Things In The Environment)

July 7th, 2005

The Japanese claim to hunt whales for "scientific purposes", as this butcher-cum-scientist demonstrates as he experiments with the commercial possibilities of Whale meat.

Every day, the Amazon rainforest is clear-felled to make way for farming. Even George W. Bush has acknowledged that oil will run out, and that global warming is a problem. Face it: the environment is in a mess.

It can’t go on, so we’ve decided to take direct action. This month, we look at practical ways to save the planet.

  • Stop whale hunting by eating Japanese fishermen.
  • Hug a tree, and if it’s a bit wilted from global warming, give it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
  • Counter-act global warming by leaving your fridge door open.
  • Fill old plastic milk bottles with sand to make sand bags that can hold back the rising oceans.
  • Reduce water consumption in your home by refusing to shower.
  • Restore evolutionary balance by letting a tiger eat you.
  • Genetically-modified plants might take over the planet. Make sure you learn to speak Entish, just to be on the safe side.
  • Reduce carbon dioxide emissions by breathing slower.
  • Stop whales from beaching themselves by building enormous concrete fences off the coast.
  • Most synthetic fibres are made from non-renewable, non-recyclable plastics. Wear underpants made out of recyclable substances such as banana peels, plastic, and aluminium.
  • Stop burying garbage in landfill. Leave it to accumulate in your kitchen.
  • If you’ve been exposed to nuclear radiation, help reduce power consumption by hiring yourself out as a street light.
  • The car that you drive to work every day contributes to air pollution. To reduce emissions by 20%, call in sick every Monday.
  • Over-population causes starvation and disease. Help reduce the number of people on the planet by committing suicide.
  • Over-population causes starvation and disease. Multinational corporations destroy the environment with pollutants. Reduce population pressures and pollution simultaneously by killing the CEO of a large corporation.
  • Stop the USA being the world’s biggest polluter by encouraging economic development in China.

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How To Save The Whales (And Other Things In The Environment)