Reasons You Don’t Want To Win ‘The Biggest Loser’

March 23rd, 2007

Chris Tomkins in his pre-Biggest Loser days, just before he had eaten the previous winner of The Biggest Loser.

The Biggest Loser is an amazing television phenomenon. Take an ever-increasing number of grotesquely fat people as contestants, then let the audience laugh at their wobble when they walk, and announce a winner based on who wobbles least by the end.

In the early 20th century, fat ladies were in freak shows. People would watch to be amazed and appalled by men the size of walruses, and ladies as hairy and blubbery as fur seals. Now, those freak shows are reality TV contests and they rate their little socks off (although in the case of The Biggest Loser, the socks aren’t all that small). Running a freak show was always a profitable enterprise.

The prize for the winner of The Biggest Loser is quite attractive. In addition to oodles of cash, the winner gets an entirely new body shape, which is something that The Bachelor or Big Brother can’t match.

The prize is a poisoned chalice. It’s every bit as unwanted as the fourth and fifth chins contestants start with. There are a lot of reasons you don’t want to win on The Biggest Loser. This week, we look at some of them.

  • If you keep up your reformed ways, Girl Scout Cookies sales will plummet, and the misery of millions of young girls will be all your fault.
  • Sure, you’re rich, but the world has seen your stretch marks.
  • To win, you have to become an expert at knifing the other competitors in the back. There’s a lot more dignity if you pay a surgeon to take the knife to you instead.
  • You’ve got so much money you can afford to eat whatever you want, but the paparazzi will make sure you can never enjoy pizza again.
  • People will call you a loser even though you won, which is completely confusing, and enough to turn anyone to chocolate in desperation.
  • Losing the pounds doesn’t mean you gain a personality.
  • Competing on The Biggest Loser involves hanging around with fat people for months on end, and nothing’s worth that.
  • You have to give up both your Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig meals, meaning you’ll get twice as hungry, twice as fast.
  • It’s not like suddenly the world will be a fair place. Despite how hard you tried and how much weight you lost, Nicole Richie will still be skinner and have more money than you do.
  • Most of your winnings have to be spent buying smaller clothes, so actually, afterwards you don’t have all that much to show in the bank.
  • Your celebratory party will consist of celery and water, instead of the booze-soaked, trans fat-laden, Krispy Kreme orgy your competitors can console themselves with.
  • You may have lost half your body weight, but that only makes it more likely you’ll realize your girlfriend is a lard-ass.

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Reasons You Don’t Want To Win ‘The Biggest Loser’