Other Ways To Solve The Energy Crisis

April 6th, 2007

Alternative energy is incredibly fashionable right now. Everyone’s switching their houses to solar or wind power. NASCAR has officially switched to using corn-based ethanol in its lean, mean racing machines. Even the nuclear industry is wrapping itself in a green flag, for goodness sake (admittedly, their green flag is made out of is 100-foot-thick concrete, so it’s not all that eco-friendly).

We feel the world must try harder. We seem to be limiting ourselves to just three or four green options for alternative energy, but there are hundreds of safe, viable and cheap ways to implement solutions out there. Some are for whole cities to implement. Some work on a personal or household level. But taken together, they might just save the planet.

Here are some of thew best ways to solve the energy crisis and keep the world green.

  • Harness the energy of children by strapping them to exercise bikes to power their PlayStations.
  • Harness the sun’s rays by doing all your cooking in a solar oven. Harness the moon’s rays by doing all your salad cooking in a lunar-oven.
  • The constant whining of environmental activists could be captured to power screenings of An Inconvenient Truth.
  • Generate enough electricity to power 3,000 homes by strapping a kinetic energy converter to the knees of a teenage boy as he waits nervously for his date to answer the door bell.
  • 4,000 homes could be heated every week by convincing the very flatulent to wear wind turbines in their underpants. For little extra expense, an optional air filter could be attached to remove CO2 and methane from the atmosphere.
  • Attaching a methane-converter to the air-conditioning of a singles bar would remove 2,000 tonnes of bull-shit every Saturday.
  • Mattresses sold to brothels could be wired to convert every thrust into electrical energy, which is then used to power the red light out the front. This would make the brothel completely carbon-neutral, even if it’s not condom-neutral.
  • Don’t waste electricity powering an electric blanket. Placing your laptop between the sheets for five minutes will make your bed toasty warm.
  • Old people’s electric wheelchairs could be made completely self-powering by attaching a ‘sound to electricity’ converter to the battery. When the battery runs low, just ask them to reminisce about the war, and voila! Six hours later, a re-charged battery.
  • Junk mail makes great roof insulation, turning this pesky trash into a cheap way to keep your house cool.
  • A reverse-pacemaker could be attached to the hearts of conservation-minded Starbucks customers to capture their caffeine jolt and power a city the size of Seattle.
  • The sexual frustration of single men could be harnessed to power their Saturday night web-surfing activities.
  • Hula hoop turbines could be attached to high school cheerleaders to power the lights for night football. As a bonus, strain-o-meters could be attached to the pants of male spectators to additionally provide electricity for the entire town.
  • Energy-aware bullies could purchase energy-capturing knuckle dusters so that every punch counts.
  • The enthusiasm of six-year-old boys can be harnessed to create cheap illustrations for web sites.
  • Driving SUVs is wasteful and environmentally damaging. Burying the SUVs and their drivers is a good start at carbon reduction, and will also decrease road rage incidents.
  • The nervous anticipation of Harry Potter fans eager to find out who dies in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows could be used to power the printing presses that bring them the answer. This would make the book the first in the world to be entirely carbon neutral, if not carbon-negative.
  • Environmentalism can save the world in other ways, too. The sound of key-strokes make by screenwriters trying to finish their screenplay about the coming of age of a troubled teenager could be recorded and used by the CIA at Guantanamo Bay to torture victims and bring-about world peace.

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Other Ways To Solve The Energy Crisis