New products from Apple

June 29th, 2011
stevejobsapple 300x282 New products from Apple

Apple reinvent the apple. Inedible, but nice and shiny.

The Professional video and film production world has been rocked by the introduction of Apple’s latest incarnation of it’s World-class editing software, Final Cut Pro.

Final Cut Pro X (FCPX) has been widely criticised for it’s lack of vital post-production features and backwards compatibility. The criticism is so wide-spread that it lead to Conan O’Brien’s editors making fun of it on national television. (Also see here and here)

Here at GORSKY.COMedy we applaud Apple’s bravery in alienating an entire market sector, and in return, Apple have given us the details of it’s upcoming products.

  • The iKeyboard – Apple are about to revolutionise the typing world by introducing a smaller form factor keyboard. “We’ve done this by removing the letters Z, V, Q and J – our research shows that no-one really uses those letters very much. People will get used to it, and they’ll enjoy having less keys to try and find while typing.” said an unidentified Apple source.
  • New iPhotoX – The new iPhotoX will be rebuilt from the ground up. Instead of the old system of facial recognition, the new program will give new names to all the people it identifies in the photos. “We think people are often incorrectly named by their parents and our new algorithm looks at facial features and gives them a more appropriate name – a name you cannot change, because humans make bad naming decisions.” Oh, and none of your old photos will work in it either.
  • Logic Audio X – The new incarnation of Apple’s award-winning pro recording/mixing app will be released minus the ability to record from a microphone. “Mics are so 1970. We think people will be happy to use our built in samples for most instruments, and if they really need vocals they can use our new computer voice-synthesis technology”. The new Logic will also only output to iTunes and cannot be burnt to any physical media, such as a CD.
  • The Apple Apple – Apple designers have for years worried that the delicious fruit known as an “Apple” has a major flaw. “There’s pips on the inside where you bite into it! What the hell? So we’ve reinvented the apple – removed that oily skin, removed the pips, the flesh is now full uni-body titanium. Not really edible anymore, but definitely more pleasing on the eye – and it doesn’t go off… ever.”
  • iWheelX – “Everyone drives around on these extremely inefficient things called ‘wheels’. We’ve taken the wheel, and reinvented it! Rather than a full circle, we’ve made it more triangular so stopping is easier. And we’ve painted it blue! Because people like blue. Our research is very thorough.”

Apples stocks are expected to plunge in the next quarter. Unless Apple reinvents the stock market.

* Chris Tomkins is a professional video editor and user of Final Cut Pro who may be more scathing than usual in this article.

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New products from Apple  

And these products from readers..

  1. apples next move is to bring nano tech back by not only making the new Iphone 6 eis smaller then the palm of your hand. but by taking away the ability to see the scream. but in stead only be asked general questions by the iPhone such as “you have a call do you want to answer it?” and instead of sirris annoying voice we’ve made it Michael Boltons and sirris new name is duke and will no longer be able to fully interact with you by only giving you the ability to respond yes or no any other responses will not register. we have done all this because humans are stupid and dont do well with many options or “high tech gear” so we made in simplistic.

    Current score: 0

    Michael hall [07/11/2013]

  2. I also heard that the new Logic only allows compositions in C major. This means that your music will sound happier and means you can get rid of those damn ugly black keys – jaw-droppingly-sexy all white keyboard!

    Current score: 2

    Dan [29/06/2011]

What special new Apple products have you heard about?