Life In 2054

November 5th, 2004

Michael Jackson looking freaky

Dead for 30 years, Michael Jackson's body will begin to decompose in 2054.

We’ve looked into the future, and it’s not pretty: four more years of George W. Bush, then Americans will elect another complete prat to be President.

You know how we know?

It’s what Americans have always done. Why change?

Anyway, while looking into the future, we analysed world trends, took some wild guesses, and made some bold predictions.

Here they are: our prognostications about life in 2054.

  • People will finally have tired of reality TV, and a new concept for TV shows will be introduced: using actors and scripts.
  • Oil supplies will have run out. The world will discover how to harness an alternative energy source: Red Bull.
  • There will be a cure for cancer, but not for spam.
  • The continuous breeding program that gave the world Alec, Billy, Stephen and Daniel will mean that every male Hollywood actor is a Baldwin brother.
  • People won’t go to the movies anymore, now that every film contains a Baldwin.
  • People will cache their entire lives to their hard-drives, recording every conversation, movement and fart. It will take two continuous weeks to watch your friend’s video of her two week holdiay.
  • Newspapers will be thinner because the entire English language will be comprised of SMS-abbreviated words.
  • The world’s population will reach 7 billion. Finally, there’ll be a statistical certainty of even the ugliest people getting laid.
  • It will be safe to go camping in the jungle. All the animals will be extinct.
  • Global warming will have turned the Sahara Desert into the world’s largest beach resort.
  • George Lucas will complete his new masterpiece: Star Wars Episode XXXV: Rise of the Ewoks (Again)
  • James Bond will finally have met his match.
  • George Bush IV will be elected and declare war on Iraq, hoping to finally avenge his father, grandfather and great-grandfather.
  • Prince Harry will finally admit he has a drug problem: viagara.
  • GORSKYS.COMedy wil sell its first t-shirt.
  • Life will be discovered on Mars. Night-life will be discovered in Hobart, the world’s dullest city.
  • The first successful class action will be brought against KFC after it is revealed that 6 of the 11 secret herbs and spices cause cancer.
  • Alien scientists will make contact, but only to beg us to stop screening re-runs of Seinfeld, which they’ve had to endure constantly for 60 years while monitoring our transmissions in the hope of finding intelligent life.
  • Men will finally understand women.
  • Children will be able to see pictures of the sun in museums.
  • Scientists will discover the chicken came first.
  • John Farnham will perform his “No, this time it’s definitely the last one ever” farewell tour.

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Life In 2054