How To Ace Job Interviews

January 1st, 2001
Guns and Party Drugs.

Mixing guns and party drugs is a great way to make a lasting impression in a job interview.

You know the drill. About six million other people have also applied for the job. They’re all better qualified. They all have more experience.

But you’ve got one thing they haven’t. You’ve got the great advice of GORSKYS.COMedy.

This month, we give you tips on how to stand out from the pack, and secure the job of your dreams.

  • Be the stand out candidate: go for jobs you’re insanely over-qualified for. got a PhD? McDonald’s is hiring.
  • A purple lycra body suit is a guarantee to be noticed. (Except if you’re the Phantom, in which case it’s a great way to move through the jungle without being seen, weirdly).
  • Try to avoid taking LSD immediately prior to the interview, unless you like being asked a lot of questions by a three-headed dragon.
  • When asked “how much money are you seeking?”, respond with “None. I’m looking on this as a hobby.”
  • “When can you start?” deserves the answer “I can start whenever you want, but I’ll be robbing you before 10:00”.
  • Ask questions about your prospective employer. “Do you have a health plan?” is good. “Is the babe on reception into bondage?” is not.
  • Ensure a job offer by holding your interviewer hostage.
  • Use positive language to describe your flaws. “I watch 16 hours of TV a day” becomes “I am an amateur TV reviewer”.
  • Saying “yes” to a glass of water is OK. “Yes” to a whiskey is not.
  • Keep your pants on.
  • It is pointless to douse yourself in kerosene and threaten to light the match unless you get the job. Smoking is no longer allowed inside public buildings.
  • To really stand out, answer all questions in mime.
  • It’s hard for an interviewer to forget a candidate who can lick their own ears.
  • It is overly presumptuous to “mark your territory” by urinating into the pot plants on a first interview.
  • What better way to make a great impression than riding into the interview room on a black stallion.
  • What worse way than to stagger into the interview being ridden by a black stallion.
  • It’s OK to be a little nervous. It’s not OK to pee your pants.
  • If you chew gum, remember to bring some for everyone.

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How To Ace Job Interviews