It Sucks To Be A Vampire

October 1st, 2010

No matter what you do, your Facebook profile pic is always going to be a little threatening when you're a vampire.

Count Dracula, Nosferatu, Twilights “Edward” or Bill Compton from True Blood – wherever they appear, vampires are insanely popular right now.

Maybe it all started with Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the charming Billy Idol wannabe, Spike. Or perhaps we all developed a childhood attachment to Sesame Streets’ obsessive-compulsive, “The Count”.

Whatever it is, these shadow-dwelling, blood-sucking undead creatures of the night have been romanticised to within an inch of their (un)life

Sure, there’s the immortality, the brooding, the hot girls desperate for you to give them the worlds most intense hickey, but is being a vampire all it’s cracked up to be?

We took a look at some of the practical drawbacks of vampirism.

(Thanks to James Hazelden for his additional vampiric suggestions)

  • They can only drink blood, and blood tastes like… well… it’s no Krispy Kreme donut.
  • Vampires are awake when the only thing on TV is infomercials and reruns of old made-for-tv movies.
  • There are so many nasty blood-borne diseases, vampires now have to practice “Safe Sucking” using a heavy duty dental dam.
  • Vampires sleep in coffins, which makes vampire slumber parties weird and depressing.
  • They’re at risk on the road because other drivers can’t see them in their rearview mirrors.
  • If you try to baptize a vampire you just end up melting his face off.
  • Vampires live forever, which sounds cool but it means they’ve heard every joke 3465 times at least.
  • Vampires are constantly being mistaken for members of bad emo bands.
  • If a vampire accidentally bites his tongue, his tongue turns into a tiny vampire.
  • Crosses kill vampires, so if a vampire is double-crossed, he dies twice.
  • If a vampire is exposed to the sun he turns into dust, which means now none of his clothes fit.
  • Vampires receive a lot of spam emails convincing them to buy fake tan pills.

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It Sucks To Be A Vampire