How To Chuck A Sickie

December 1st, 1999
Sword swallower with four swords

This man is about to call in sick with a sore throat.

Calling work and saying you’re sick when you aren’t is one of the true joys of modern life. When it’s all getting too much, there’s nothing better than having a “mental health day”.

Obviously, we’ve all got the 10 minute window of opportunity each morning just after we get up, when we sound dreadful and could convince anyone we were at death’s door.

But what happens if the boss isn’t in during those vital 10 minutes? Or if she’s getting suspicious that you’re ill every time the sun shines?

This month, we offer some great tips on how to avoid suspicion, keep your job and still get the day off.

  • Lie on the bed with your head hanging off it. All the blood and mucus rushes to your head, making you sound clogged. The weight of your head constricts your throat, making you sound in pain.
  • Drink a bottle of Scotch the night before. You’re hangover will make you sound appallingly ill, and probably actually make you unfit for work.
  • Call in sick two days in a row. This will help throw off suspicion. Don’t return to work tanned.
  • When the boss says “You don’t sound ill”, ask him what medical training he has. Seriously, doctors don’t just give you pills based on how croaky your voice is. They like to have a look first and feel your glands and take your temperature.
  • When your boss says “You don’t sound ill”, claim you’ve broken your arm. Put it in a sling when you return to work.
  • Break your arm.
  • Take a crap, and have a good look before you flush. Call work, and when the boss asks you what’s wrong, describe what you saw. Even if it isn’t too revolting, the fact you’re prepared to discuss it makes you a person he won’t want to see for a while.
  • Swallowing razor blades will definitely help you to sound raspy.
  • Stick a scrunched up tissue up each nostril to help make you sound blocked.
  • To sound really congested, squeeze a tube of “No More Gaps” up each nostril. (Warning: Not recommended for smokers, possible nasal combustion dangers.)

Tags > , , ,

How To Chuck A Sickie