Olympic Events For Around The Home

September 1st, 2000
Kids playing in bath

Synchronised Bubble Bath is one of the hottest sports in the 2000 Olympics

It’s not long until the elite athletes of the world meet in Sydney to make the rest of us feel like lazy, under-achieving slobs. But there’s no need to feel inadequate.

There are many sporting events you can stage in your own home during the really dull bits of the Olympic coverage. Here are some suggestions.

  • Amateur Wrestling – Very popular amongst the under sixes, this is still a game for all ages. Competitors begin at opposite corners of the ‘ring’ (ideally Mum and Dad’s bed) then jump at each other and roll around gleefully until someone pokes out an eye and it all ends in tears, or a bed spring snaps.
  • 30 Second Toilet Dash – During a commercial break, competitors must race from the loungeroom to the bathroom, relieve themselves and make it back to their seat.
  • 30 Second Toilet Relay – During a commercial break, the entire household must take turns to race from the loungeroom to the bathroom and back. Use an old toilet roll as the baton, not the roll currently in use in the bathroom.
  • Laundry Triathlon – Competitors must complete the following sports within one particularly dull segment of the equestrian events:
    1.  Press a pair of trousers
    2.  Iron three shirts
    3.  Fold the undies.
    Additional bonus points are awarded for starching.
  • Round the House 400 Metre Sprint – One of the toughest Home Olympic events. Competitors must sprint around the outside of the house as fast as they can.
  • Round the House 400 Metre Hurdles – For houses with a fence separating the front and back yards.
  • Around The Block Marathon – 100 laps of your block. Additional points for running backwards.
  • Broomstick Javelin Toss – Competitors must hurl a broom as far as they can. Throw is measured to where the broom head lands.
  • Hammer Throw – Self explanatory. Broken windows means immediate disqualification, and often signals the start of the Round the Block Marathon.
  • Synchronised Trampolining – The newest sport in the Olympics. First competitor to touch Mum and Dad’s ceiling wins. Extra points for touching the ceiling with your feet.
  • The Clutch and Grab – Competitors must drink six cans of beer, then watch the swimming or diving until their bladder can take it no longer. Competitors then clutch and grab their genitals in an effort to stop an accident, whilst hobbling to the bathroom in agony. The funniest walk wins.
  • Arm Curl Weight Lifting – Particularly popular while watching the “clean and jerk”. Competitors must place an arm on the armchair rest and lift a beer can repeatedly to their lips until the can is empty. The weight of all cans consumed during the day is totalled and the most weight wins. Note for international readers: 10% bonus weight for using Australian beer.
  • Synchronised Bubble Bath – Competitors perform artistic underwater ballet in the bath. Additional points are awarded for staying under the water until you turn blue, creating a ‘tidal wave’ that empties the bath onto the floor, and creating bubbles without the aid of bubble bath.
  • Indoor Ruler-Hockey – This event is played by two teams of three. Rulers are user instead of hockey sticks, and an old tennis ball makes an excellent stand in for the hockey ball. Players compete on hands and knees. Goals at one end should be the old fireplace, at the other end, the TV. The object of the game is to hit the ball into your opponents goal. A bonus is paid for breaking the TV, which often also signifies the start of the Round the Block Marathon. This game has long been a favourite in my house. Rules on out of bounds, tackling, etc are invented at the whim of the oldest player, and apply on a “from now on…” basis.
  • High Diving – Stand on top of your wardrobe and jump onto your bed. Points are awarded for somersaults, pikes, twists, and actually landing on the bed.
  • Discus – How far can you throw your dinner plates?
  • High Jump – Competitors must attempt to clear the back fence from a five metre run up. Note: it’s a good idea to make sure your landing pad is not the neighbour’s vicious pit bull.
  • Out Of Milk 1000 Metre Dash – On the starting signal “Oh, no! We’re out of milk!” competitors must race to the nearest shop, buy a carton and run home. First to place their carton in the fridge wins. Bonus for paying for the milk.
  • Fencing – Old tennis racquets or brooms are used to duel. Competitors get points for every contact with their opponents body. Game continues until someone loses an eye or it all ends in tears.
  • Long Jump – How far can you jump down your concrete or gravel drive without needing to go to hospital?
  • Opening Ceremony Re-enactment – Although not officially a sport, this is a great excuse to jump into your Mum’s favourite frock, and dance around the house singing “I Will Survive”.

Let the Games begin.

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Olympic Events For Around The Home