Free Paris Hilton

May 11th, 2008

Paris Hilton in her prison-range swimsuit

Here's Paris, sporting her new prison-wear range. "Prison should be just as sexy as going to a nightclub or going to the mall. I think doing time is HOT!" said Paris, as she was led away in fluffy cuffs.

Paris Hilton’s time in jail could be cut in half, according to prison authorities, and we think that’s a good thing. Forty-five minutes in jail is too long for a celebrity, let alone the outrageous forty-five days that Ms Hilton was lumbered with.

Sure, she committed a crime when she violated her parole, and drove while her licence was suspended. But it wasn’t like a serious crime. She wasn’t behind the wheel of a Volvo, after all.

Many have welcomed the idea of Paris being behind bars for forty-five days. They say it will dry up the constant stream of gossip about her. With luck, the argument goes, after a month-and-a-half of a Paris-free People magazine, the world will completely forget who she is and we can move on. But that ignores the fact that Paris Hilton has a well-oiled, well-paid publicity machine. Her release will unleash a barrage of Paris stories as she re-establishes her fame. Better, we say, the slow ‘drip, drip’ we’re used to than the overflow we’ll get.

In fact, there are many reasons Paris should be released immediately.

  • If she spends time in jail, she’ll be tempted to write a tell-all book about her experiences, The world doesn’t need to be punished like that.
  • There’s a possibility they’ll turn her prison experiences into a new series of ‘The Simple Life’. We don’t deserve that inflicted on us, either.
  • The impact on the economy will be enormous. Magazine sales will plummet in the forty-five days Paris is out of action, causing huge losses across the entire media sector.
  • There is no logic in her sentence. Sure, violating parole is a crime, but many of Paris’ worse crimes against fashion have gone unpunished.
  • Spending time in prison will only increase fame-inequity in the world. Paris’ cell mate will become undeservedly famous once she gives her interview on 60 Minutes entitled “How I Survived 45 Nights Of Paris Prison Hell”.
  • Paris’ jailing is also unfair on all the other prisoners, none of whom have committed crimes serious enough to justify forty-five days locked in a cell with a socialite celebrity.
  • The sentence is also outrageously unjust on Ms Hilton. Forty-five days without seeing her hair stylist is the equivalent of a life sentence for the rest of us.
  • Who will feed her puppy while she’s in prison?
  • Who will feed her ego while she’s in prison?
  • The enormous amount of publicity Paris is receiving may cause copy-cat crimes. Soon, no socialite celebrities will drive with licences.
  • Forty-five days in jail is just enough time to develop a nasty heroin habit. Paris’ life is tawdry enough without adding a whole new raft of stories about visits to the Betty Ford clinic in the future.
  • It would be cheaper for the State of California to ground her than lock her away.
  • The impact on her life after prison hasn’t properly been assessed. She’ll spend at least ten days catching up on cell-phone calls upon her release.
  • She may explore lesbianism in jail, but this time go the bull-dyke way. No one wants to see those pictures in their inbox.
  • The prison system could be thrown into disarray when Paris hunger-strikes about the quality of the Soy Mocha Grandes from the prison kitchen.
  • Orange jumpsuits do not go well with her unnatural tan.
  • With Paris not using her cell phone for forty-five days, there’s a chance AT&T could go into Chapter 11 bankruptcy.
  • The psychological stress on the prison guards hasn’t been properly considered. For each, it will be unbearable. One simple mistake in Paris’ presence could lead to their lifetime ban from the entire Hilton Hotel chain.
  • The psychological stress on the ‘Free Paris Hilton’ protestors will also be enormous as they undertake their vigil. The protestors will spend a month camped outside prison, without the chance to see a single photo of their favourite celebrity walking up a red carpet.
  • Paris’ sentence impacts more than just Paris. All other Hollywood celebrities will feel harassed as the paparazzi go hunting for new targets in her absence.

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Free Paris Hilton