Eyeglasses? Aye, Glasses!

March 2nd, 2007

If you can't recognise your own brother from this distance, you probably need new glasses.

This week, Chris went to the optometrist to get new spectacles. He sat on the old ones, broke them into three, and inadvertently turned his bi-focals into bum-focals.

Amazingly, after only 45 minutes in the waiting room, the eye doc saw him, and pronounced that his vision was improving. Perhaps flattening his glasses with his bottom bent the lenses into a new, vision-improving shape. Perhaps it’s a medical miracle, or perhaps it was due to the fact that in those 45 minutes waiting, Chris was able to memorize the eye-chart. Whatever the reason, he was able to walk out with a new prescription for weaker lenses.

But that time in the waiting room also allowed him to think about the wonderful things about going to an optometrist and finding out you need glasses. Here they are:

  • You’ll stop saying “You’re looking very sexy today, Laura… I mean, Larry.”
  • No more being beaten-up at school. Or at least, not by polite bullies who know it’s impolite to hit kids with glasses.
  • It’s not the dentist.
  • It’s a whole lot easier to open your eyes and look at a chart that says “Ah!”.
  • You get to decide which is clearer: this, or this.
  • Optometrists won’t grab your testicles and tell you to turn your head and cough.
  • You could start a new, lucrative career as a lawyer by finally being able to understand the fine print in contracts.
  • You’ll recognize celebrities if you pass by them in the street.
  • No more running into telephone poles.
  • From now on, if you’re lost in the bush, you can start a fire by using the magnified effects of the sun.
  • From now on, if you’re lost in the bush, at least you’ll recognize her.
  • You can clip a pair of X-ray specs onto the front of your Dolce & Gabbana frames to look cool and see girls’ underwear at the same time.
  • You can win a Harry Potter look-a-like competition without having to spend a cent on a costume.
  • It’s a medical appointment, so you get time off work, but you’re not actually sick.
  • Your IQ is raised by 10%. Unless you get coke-bottle lenses, in which case it spikes to “genius”.
  • You get to catch up on all the news events in Africa, in the June ’67 edition of National Geographic in the waiting room.
  • Before you get your spectacles, the Nat Geo’s naked ladies look kind of sexy. It’s not until later that you realize they’re kind of saggy.
  • Spend enough on frames, and you can get a job in graphic design.
  • Your friends will start teasing you by calling you “Doc”. You can now invoice them for rearranging their faces.
  • You can hope your eyesight has fallen to “legally blind” so you can get into movies half-price.

Tags > , , , , , , , ,

Eyeglasses? Aye, Glasses!