Exercises For The Fat And Lazy

July 1st, 2001
Fat man diving into pool.

There's no need to make a fool of yourself trying to shape up with our exercises for the fat and lazy.

There are hardly enough hours in the day to do your job, buy your groceries, and watch TV, so how the hell are you supposed to exercise?

And it’s even worse if you’re fat and lazy. Getting motivated to exercise is obviously a problem, otherwise, you wouldn’t be fat and lazy.

Never fear. We’ve got the answer. This month, we present sure-fire exercise programs that are guaranteed to make you thin, sexy and gorgeous.*

  • Be realistic. Keep your fingers thin and fit. Spend four hours a day playing Tomb Raider.
  • Beer contains a lot of calories. Burn them off by running to the fridge.
  • Lose your sticky-out belly by lying on your back.
  • Experts say that vigorous sex can burn over 1,500 calories. Watching vigorous sex on porn videos will burn a lot of calories too.
  • Your skin goes pruney in the bath because all the water seeps out of your skin. Apply this scientific principle to lose weight. Bathe in fat.
  • Every time you deny your self a Mars Bar, reward yourself with a Snickers.
  • Remember, there are no calories if the Mars Bar is fun-sized.
  • If touching your toes is good for you, then touching your shoes must also be good for you, even if the shoes are sitting on your lap.
  • Get your heart-rate up by listening to a talk-back jock you hate.
  • Keep your skin young and by placing it in the freezer.
  • Weight loss can cause wrinkles. Keep yourself younger-looking by adding 5 kilos per year.
  • You are what you eat. Eat thin people.
  • Lose weight fast, and move from the car to the shopping mall faster. Chop off your legs and get a disabled sticker.
  • Exercise while you sleep by dreaming you are flying.
  • Ever noticed how people weigh less in water? Move to Atlantis.
  • Pay local children to exercise on your behalf.
  • Redefine ‘normal’ to closer to ‘you’. Become a serial killer of thin people.

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Exercises For The Fat And Lazy