Where Evolution Is Taking The Human Race

September 12th, 2004
Charles Darwin

The father of evolution, Charles Darwin, demonstrates his theory that hair doesn't fall out but, rather, grows down as men age.

The world is changing. Global warming will melt the ice-caps, and turn the Sahara Desert into a terrific beach resort. There will be an increase in natural disasters like droughts, floods hurricanes and Mariah Carey comeback tours.

Environmental change isn’t new. It’s happened for millions of years and, each time, those species best-evolved to meet the new challenges flourish. Exit dinosaurs. Enter mammals.

So what does our future hold?

This month, we look at some of the exciting evolutionary improvements that are in store for humankind.

  • 104 fingers will make typing a cinch.
  • We will all develop ears with fingers to hold cell phones in position.
  • Fitness freaks will grow pedometers to automatically count their paces.
  • Ugly men will grow breasts so they don’t feel so bad about not having a girlfriend.
  • Our circadian rhythms will alter. People will have in-built video rental return rhythms to help make sure overnight rentals are returned the next day.
  • Increased carbon dioxide in the atmosphere will make people grow chlorophyll in order to breathe. Green thumbs will be normal.
  • Michael Jackson will be proved a visionary: everyone’s noses will disappear to avoid the smell of pollution.
  • Iron-lined stomachs will be required when McDonalds finally takes over the world.
  • Eyes will become bigger than our stomachs to cope with super-sized meals.
  • Between our layers of fat, there will be cling film to allow for easy separation by plastic surgeons.
  • The fingers on our right hands will only be five microns wide to enable us to dial our tiny phones.
  • Our buttocks will come with their own built-in armchairs.
  • Our eyes will be able to see infrared so we can easily see when the TV remote’s battery needs changing.
  • Our lung capacity will be doubled to enable us to suck out what oxygen is left in the ozone-filled atmosphere.
  • Women’s nipples will contain infrared-blocking agents to thwart pervy guys filming them with night-vision cameras.

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Where Evolution Is Taking The Human Race