Da Gorsky Code

August 29th, 2006
Child's drawing of a monster

'The Monster Code' - Liam Cody's 1976 primary school painting entitled Me When I Was A Monster was originally thought to reveal a deep-seated anxiety about the loss of innocence of his youth. In fact, on June 3, 1976, he was a monster.

We’ve all heard of the Da Vinci Code, and how there are hidden messages about evil Catholic conspiracies in all of Leonardo’s greatest works. The book and movie have made author Dan Brown rich beyond his wildest dreams, and fuelled a new craze for art.

Knowing that re-interpreting art can make you a lot of money, we have undertaken research about some of the most famous artists and their works. This month, we publish our surprising and spooky results.

  • The Bladder Code – Andre Serrano’s Piss Christ proves that Jesus went to the bathroom on at least one occasion.
  • The Pinot Code – The Leaning Tower of Pisa is tilted that way because ancient Italian architects had long, boozy lunches.
  • The K-mart Code – Michelango’s David is considered to be a beautiful analysis of the human form. In fact, he was the store mannequin at Michelango’s local department store.
  • The World Cup Code – King Arthur’s Quest for the Holy Grail was Britain’s first attempt to become soccer champions.
  • The Van Gogh Code – It is a widely-held belief that Van Gogh cut off his own ear due to a psychological disorder. However, analysis of his self-portraits at that time reveals he’d simply got sick of listening to his mother nagging him about getting a proper job.
  • The Gelatine Code – Many believe Salvador Dali was the father of surrealism, but recent investigations have showns that, in fact, his spectacles were half-melted in a marshmallow-toasting incident, and Dali simply painted the world as he saw it.
  • The Picasso Says No Code – Pablo Picasso is remembered for his cubist faces in which both eyes are represented on the same side of the face. This was, in fact, a code to show the evils of nuclear radiation, and a prediction of the tragedy of Hiroshima.
  • The Staple Code – It is a little-known fact that the world’s greatest nude, Botticelli’s The Birth Of Venus, was originally commissioned by Hugh Hefner for the first Playboy centrefold.
  • The Little Bit of a Stretch Code – Walt Disney originally planned for Snow White to live with seven giants, but switched to dwarfs because, being smaller, they were faster to draw.
  • The Typo Code – Evard Munch had famously bad spelling and the painting which we now know as The Scream was supposed to the entitled Ice Scream Headache.
  • The Round About Code – Escher’s lithograph Ascending and Descending, depicting drab men walking up an endless staircase that goes nowhere, was originally thought to be a criticism of the pointlessness of life. In fact, Escher was attempting to create a cool optical illusion.
  • The Lascaux Logo Code – The ancient Lascaux cave paintings, once thought to depict stories of the hunt, have recently been re-interpreted. Their true message is “Hunting. Just Do It”.
  • The Blue Bayeux Code – The Bayeux Tapestry, depicting King Harold being shot in the eye in the Battle of Hastings in 1066, is proof that weavers in those days were a hell of a lot faster than they are now. Recent attempts to capture fast-moving scenes such as that one have resulted only in a meaningless blur.
  • The Whip Code – Robert Mapplethorpe’s Self Portrait with Whip Up Ass proves that you can take a photo of yourself doing just about anything and call it art, so long as it’s in black and white.

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Da Gorsky Code