How To Bring About World Peace

April 25th, 2005

In a world fraught with war, starvation and malice, it’s nice to know that some things never change. People have been attacking, starving and hating each other since time began. And before that, dinosaurs weren’t known for their ability to get along peacefully.

Every year, the Miss Universe contestants claim that their wish is to bring about World Peace during their reign. Clearly, after over 50 years of competition, they’ve shown that looking great in a swim suit isn’t actually all that likely to settle all conflict on the planet.

But it’s time that something was done. We’re five years into the new millennium but still the Palestinians and Israeli’s hate each other, Iraqi insurgents and the US Army are at each other’s throats, and Eminem openly detests Moby.

This month, GORSKYS.COMedy makes some suggestions about how World Peace can be achieved by the end of the year.

  • We can stop Palestinian suicide bombers from killing Jewish Israeli’s simply by converting all Jews to Islam, violently if necessary.
  • If the Tsunami taught us anything, it showed us that natural disasters can bring an end to conflict as people unite in their grief. Wiping out the entire middle east in a horrific tidal wave would bring an end to the War on Terror, and have the added bonus of turning the Sahara Desert into the world’s largest beach resort.
  • As every boy scout knows, sharing stories around a camp fire is a great way of bonding and enjoying an evening. Suspected terrorists should be sent on a night in the forest with some matches, some pre-pubescent boys and a packet of marshmallows.
  • Antartica is the only continent untouched by war. The rest of the world should follow its example and become a frozen wasteland.
  • The Northern Ireland conflict is based largely on religious differences between Protestants and Catholics. The solution is clear: prove that God doesn’t exist, and the two sides will have nothing to disagree about.
  • The War on Terror can be over by Christmas. George W Bush just needs to declare victory, and it’s over. It worked in Iraq, so why not everywhere else? Of course, the fighting and killing will continue, but we can just re-define “terrorism” as “hyper-violent negotiation”.
  • All wars about ownership of land could be ended if only people learned how to breathe under water and live at the bottom of the ocean.
  • No turtle has ever become an evil dictator. This may be an important point for people to remember when next casting their vote.
  • Many conflicts continue for years and years because negotiators have fixed positions, and aren’t prepared to be flexible. Wars would end if each country sent in their gymnastics teams to solve disputes.
  • Some of the most vicious disputes in the world are between neighbours arguing about over-hanging trees. A simple solution would be to refer all these disputes to an international body such as the UN Security Council, to vote on which neighbour is right, and then to send in a Peace Keeping Force to chip down the tree and live in each of the neighbours houses for 25 years to ensure hostilities no longer arise.
  • Countries in which the citizens are starving and dying of easily prevented diseases such as malaria and dysentry are amongst the least stable and most likely to declare war. The Western world provides these with billions of dollars of aid each year to save their lives. Cutting off this aid would quickly eliminate the remaining populace, thus rendering the country empty and unable to declare war.
  • The UN Security Council should be replaced by the Justice League of America. A team of superheros will act quickly, decisively and effectively. So long as Batman doesn’t get to lead the team.
  • It’s hard for soldiers to kill each other when they’re only armed with pillows. All other forms of weapon should be destroyed.

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How To Bring About World Peace