Body Bits Doctors Won’t Tell You About

May 20th, 2001
Liam with a carrot

Liam puts on some glasses and a white coat to look like he's a medical expert on the carrot gland.

We all have secret body organs that even medical science hasn’t discovered yet. We all know about the Carrot Gland that creates diced carrot for inclusion in vomit, yet no doctor has been brave enough to document this.

Some of these organs are revolting. Some cause enormous pleasure. And others are downright useless.

This month, we borrowed a CAT scan machine, and bring you a comprehensive list of the body bits that doctors won’t tell you about.

  • Super Saliva Gland – makes it impossible to talk to a person you’re attracted to without giving them a shower.
  • Beer Barometer – located in the intestine, this polyp absorbs the bubbles in beer, then releases them as an enormous fart when there is a lull in the conversation.
  • Selective Deafness Follicle – in males only. Allows you to ignore your partner’s requests to do some housework, but still hear every score in the football.
  • Nuclear Hair Follicle – located in the auditory canal and the nasal cavity of males, these follicles explode in huge mushroom clouds of hair as soon as you turn 60.
  • Bad Joke Node – part of the central nervous system that kicks in as soon as you become a father, it makes you laugh at your own bad jokes.
  • Post-Coital Hormone Release Valve – located near the hippocampus in the brain. Within 13.5 seconds of coitus, this valve opens, flooding the body with temazepam, inducing sleep. Male only.
  • Post-Coital Conversational Bullshit Valve – located in the back of the throat. Within 13.5 seconds of coitus, this valve opens, inducing you to say stuff like “You were great”, “That was fantastic”, and “No, no, I like lying in the wet spot”. Female only.
  • Selective Memory Neurone – Allows you to remember that you left the car keys in a special place, but not where that place is.
  • Yellow Food Dye Gland – Located in the bladder. Activated by excessive Vitamin B intake.
  • “I won’t get a hangover” Neuro-Centre – Kicks in with your fifth beer.
  • Baskin-Robbins Centre – part of the brain that gives you a head ache when you eat icecream too quickly.
  • Up-sell Axon – Part of the brain that is activated and causes a “Yes” response when someone asks if you’d like fries with that.

    Tags > , , , , , , , ,

    Body Bits Doctors Won’t Tell You About