Sports They Should Include In The Athens Olympics

June 1st, 2004
Gymnast George W. Bush

US President George W. Bush will be competing in Political Gymnastics at Athens 2004.

The Athens Olympics look like they will be a complete disaster. Venues won’t be completed in time. It’s running hopelessly over budget. The threat of terrorism is ever-present.

In this post-9/11 world, it’s time to reflect on the Modern Olympics, and what they mean. It’s time to update the sporting events to suit modern times.

Here are events we think should be included in the Athens Olympics.

  • Hide and Seek – And the Gold goes to Osama bin Laden.
  • Political Gymnastics – Leaders of the Coalition of the Willing attempt to justify the war on Iraq.
  • Bomb Throwing – Get rid of the stupid hammer-throw and replace it with a sport all terrorists will love.
  • Anti-Tank Gun Shooting – Pistol shooting is so 1900s.
  • Equestrian – In classic Greek style, all the equestrian events will be held on Trojan horses.
  • Fencing – In classic Greek style, all the fencing events will be held in Trojan horses.
  • Suicide Swimming – Strap 15 kg of Semtex around each swimmer’s waist. As they hit the water, it blows up. Last one in is a blob of jam.
  • Security Scan Sprint – Athletes will be required to run through an airport scanner and elude guards for 400 metres.
  • Modern Triathlon – Running, cycling and swimming have been replaced by Grand Theft Auto, Max Payne, and Doom.
  • Modern Pentathlon – Due to a lack of funding, athletes must choose to compete in only one of the usual five sports.
  • Weight Lifting – Due to the building not being completed, this sport has been automatically awarded to Bulgaria.
  • Synchronised Swimming – Funding cutbacks mean teams can only consist of one athlete. This is expected to dramatically improve the event.
  • 100-Metre Sprint To Your Death – Run 100 metres to the bus as Israeli soldiers line you up in their sights.
  • Weight Lifting – The first event in the weight lifting will involve contestants attempting to lift the roof onto the the swimming pool arena.
  • Separatist Shot Put – The longest shot-put attempt between Greece and Turkey wins Cyprus.
  • Archery – To solve Athens’ feral cat problems, all archery events will improve moving targets.
  • West Bank High Jump – Athletes will try to clear the border wall.
  • 10,000-Metre Walk – Walk through Athens streets from venue to venue because the public transportation system wasn’t completed in time.
  • 10-Metre Sprint – Originally the 100-metre sprint, but the athletes all got too ill trying to run that far through Athens’ smog.
  • 100-Metre Marathon – There are too many chances for accidents on a 42-mile incomplete track, so this event has been modified to suit the Athens environment.
  • Shooting – To save on building a shooting range, all shooting events will be held in Iraq.
  • Diving – Has been replaced by Commando Sky Diving.
  • Water Polo – All water polo events will be completed in the first week. During the second week, the pool will be drained and used for polo.

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Sports They Should Include In The Athens Olympics