Alternative Contraceptive Methods

January 15th, 2004
A packet of 'Nicoderm CQ'

Using a nicotine patch before shagging will make you feel like you've had a post-bonk cigarette, avoiding the need for sex altogether.

You know the drill. Your first chance for a shag in so long that you think your virginity may have grown back. And just when you’re about to get down and dirty, you realise you’re out of condoms.


Or is it?

There are literally hundreds of things around your home that can be pressed into service as a contraceptive in an emergency.

This month, we got inspired by Chris’ band Man Bites God. Well, actually, we just decided to steal the concept (and most of the jokes) from their song Improvise, add some of our own, and repackage it as entirely new material. This does mean that, for the first time ever, you can hear a musical version of a GORSKYS.COMedy article.

And it gives us an opportunity to look at some of our favourite ways of preventing pregnancy.

  • Not only does Glad Wrap keep sandwiches fresh, it’s also a fantastic condom. Just be sure to throw it away later or your mum may stop putting mayonnaise on your salad roll.
  • Why use a vaginal sponge when there’s a perfectly good sea sponge in the bath?
  • Going to the doctor for a diaphragm is expensive and time consuming. Try a shower cap instead.
  • In medical trials, up to 40% of testers experience the medical beenfit of the drug being tested when they pop the sugar pill placebo. So, if you’ve forgotten to take the Pill, why not pop a Pez?
  • Some people use foaming tablets to act as a spermicide. If you don’t have any, why not try a Alka Seltzer.
  • Contraception is all about stopping the sperm meeting the egg. If you don’t know the person you are shagging, it will be impossible to introduce them.
  • The rhythm method is unreliable if you’ve forgotten where you’re up to. But putting on some Drum ‘n Bass techno will give you a whole new rhythm.
  • Feeling extra horny? There are 10 fingers on the rubber gloves under the kitchen sink.
  • Why bother with spermicidal gel when there’s a perfectly-serviceable jar of hair styling stuff in the bathroom cabinet?
  • Spermicidal creams can be replaced by the whipped stuff in the fridge.
  • Practising coitus interruptus is really hard. The man must withdraw his penis at just the right moment. Get help. Have her father walk in on you.
  • Vaginal caps stop pregnancy. Baseball caps should, too.
  • IUDs are little copper devices that are inserted into the uteris. In an emegency, the copper-topped Duracells in the TV remote can be pressed into service.
  • Spermicidal jelly is OK, but strawberry tastes better.
  • Prevent sperm leaving the penis by tying a piece of dental floss tightly around the base.

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Alternative Contraceptive Methods