How To Achieve World Domination

November 1st, 1999
Bill Gates looking angry

Bill Gates: an evil overlord?

Do you want to be the all-powerful overlord of Earth?

Do you long to command armies to do your bidding?

Would you like gorgeous models to massage you erotically for days on end?

Follow the Gorskys’ tips on how to achieve world domination, and you can have it all.

  • Shave your head. Evil overlords look considerably more potent when blessed with advanced male-pattern baldness.
  • Devise an innovative plan to take control of the world’s infrastructure. Threatening to detonate a nuclear device and thereby pollute the world’s atmosphere just won’t cut it any more. France has been doing it for years, and no one gives a toss.
  • Be creative. Holding all the world’s toilet paper to ransom might be clever, but imagine how much more effective you’d be if you infected the water supply with laxatives first.
  • Threatening to tickle the President of the USA is unlikely to have you appointed Supreme Commander of Planet Earth.
  • Hire minions who can actually hit their targets. Most failed evil geniuses seem to hire cross-eyed sharp-shooters who can’t hit an elephant from one pace. These employment practices, while low cost, simply allow plans to be thwarted with ease.
  • Beware of anyone named James Bond or Batman. They will thwart your plans. If you do capture them, kill them immediately. Whatever you do, don’t give them a detailed explanation of your plan.
  • Make a budget and stick to it. We got this from an article in Cosmo, but it applies as much to potential All Powerful Rulers as the personal assistant on a savings plan. It’s no use getting halfway through building your doomsday device only to approach the bank for a loan of $58 billion because you over-spent on the catering. Bank managers are notorious for their lack of insight an imagination, and will probably refuse the loan.
  • A sausage sizzle to raise funds for your evil plans is unlikely to be effective. You will probably need to hold a series. Say the first Sunday of every month for the next 80 years.
How To Achieve World Domination

Your Tips on How To Achieve World Domination

  1. World Domination

    1. Befriend a true psychic or someone with an uncanny ability to predict stock market trends

    2. Use this friend or acquaintance to earn a fortune of stock market wealth

    3. Hire, bribe, or befriend the world’s greatest scientists and doctors of your time; attempt to find a real life Sheldon Cooper

    4. Focus all thei research on finding a cure for cancer

    5. Create an infomercial and demonstrate your working cancer cure

    5a. Due to the high chance of getting cancer, every person on Earth will have a relative who gets some type of cancer

    6. Make patients and their relatives sign a contract supposedly releasing you from any mishaps involving the cure or else they don’t recieve the treatment

    7. Make a subsection of the contract that states the signer must obey you and recognize you as their ruler

    7a. People will be blindsighted by the fact that you saved their relatives from death, an very few people read contracts anyway

    8. Just in case, reverse engineer your cure and keep it as a backup. Infect relatives of the world’s leaders, or if possible, the leader themselves

    9. Never write down the cure, but if you must, write it somewhere no one can find it, possibly in mirrored letters on your hand or armpit

    10. Make sure to have an heir who is as devious and tyranic as you are

    11. If you lose the people’s trust and they start rebeing, repeat the process with arthritis

    Current score: 0

    Rachel [29/10/2013]

  2. One way dead end streets.

    Current score: 3

    Matthew Boudreau [20/04/2010]

  3. Collect as many lightsabers as possible. Then use them to blind everyone so they can\’t see. Then give the fattest person a deadly virus. Everyone will bump into the fat person and get the virus. When everyone gets crushed by the fat, you will be the last person standing!

    Current score: 0

    Zoid Berg [12/04/2010]

  4. Well first borrow 1 trillion dollars from the bank. Use that money to make singing chipmunks like alvin and the chipmunks. Use them to hipnotise the world. Also have rats with human brains which only do chinups while doing a wall sit. When they are strong enough they can kill every one in the world starting with Justin Bieber. RULE THE WORLD

    Current score: 0

    Your face [12/04/2010]

  5. Step 1:Obtain a sattelite that blocks out all internet and cellular phone signals (this includes texting) 2: launch said saitellite 3: watch as everyone goes crazy from lack of texting and facebooking. 4: wait until the world is ready to kill for thier texting back (shouldnt be long, a day or so in the U.S., bout a week in other places) 5: when step 4 occours, say you can bring back the internet, but only if you are made world ruler. 6: become ruler of world, deactivating satelite, reactivating it when you need to recement your control. 7: apply blunt trauma to head to forget you ever read this.

    Current score: 0

    J W [17/02/2010]

  6. COPY VOLDEMORT OR DARTH VADER

    Current score: 0

    Adam Moore [02/01/2010]

  7. build a portal to a diff dimension go and find you from diff dimension, one of you go kill the president take over the usa army the other go kill and take over the chinese army then one of you go steal nukes from russia the other combine the two armys and destroy all that oppose then kill the clone of you from diff dimension and use nukes on him to make sure hes dead and keep portal to diff dimension open so u can take em over when u get bored

    Current score: 0

    Doom Doomy [04/11/2009]

  8. Make a picture of Rosie O’Donald pop up in every porn film right when it gets hot and demand that everyone follows you or else…

    Current score: 0

    Rielle Chan [02/05/2009]

  9. I will never let someone build a time machine, it\’s too dangerous for me.

    Current score: 0

    Nikki Jabines [17/04/2009]

  10. 1) Obtain Cuba. This can be done a number of ways. Some examples are: personal security force, cash, or undercover takeover.
    2) Obtain missile plans from China that have a distance of at least 1500 miles.
    3) Hire a team of engineers to alter the plans so that the missiles spray compressed air.
    4) Manufacture heavier-than-air chemical or biological weapons. my personal favorites are Anthrax and VX(google it)
    5) Build underground missile silos over a long period of time so the FBI and/or CIA does not get interested.
    6) Use the missiles to spray the east coast of U.S.A. with the biochemical weapons.
    7) The population of America will run west. This is mostly plains country. It will be easy for a hostile takeover, since most of the eastern forces will be dead.
    8)Demand the rest of the world joins you, or you will do the same to them.

    There are some flaws, but it is almost doable. Remember me when your a dictator!

    Current score: 0

    Anonomus Thinker [04/12/2008]

  11. Eat Christopher Walken, the world will tremble in fear…

    Current score: 0

    Arganth The SheepSlayer [29/01/2008]

  12. get all the poultry in the world. after 1 month people will notice that there is no more chicken eggs and other stuff. reveal who you are. tell them to make you their ruler in exchange for their stupid chicken

    Current score: 0

    richelle means insanity [17/12/2007]

  13. why rule the world when the moon is open for taking?

    Current score: 0

    yo momma [12/12/2007]

  14. I am a real alien i am taking over earth in 2 days.

    Current score: 0

    Anthony Hebert [25/04/2007]

  15. Just call Chuck Norris…

    Current score: 2

    franky \ [22/03/2007]

  16. 1. Create a virus which kills penguins.
    2. Make a penguin suit.
    3. Join the penguins\’ campaign for world domination.
    4. When they rule the world and have humans as slaves release virus and kill off any surviving penguins.
    5. Then you will rule the world.
    6. Watch your back, the sheep also have evil plans.

    Current score: 0

    God\’s Brother [12/02/2007]

  17. Build the Deathstar and tell evreyone you will destroy the planet if they dont give you the world. If they dont… well… BOOM!!! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:P

    Current score: 0

    Lord Kragen [20/09/2006]

  18. Pitch an idea for a ‘seemingly’ family oriented show and when it’s on air, gradually hypnotise your viewers until they all become your brainwashed minions and help you to conquer not only the world but all those who didn’t bother watching your show.

    Current score: 0

    Immortal Genesis [02/08/2006]

  19. First, you will need to annihilate Bill Gates. He is the biggest competitor in world domination at the moment.

    Once he is gone, there will be no more updates for Windows, so quickly send a virus to bring the world to it’s knees. You will have to act fast though. Nobody likes an OS that doesn’t get updates.

    Current score: 0

    Zed_eX [02/08/2005]

  20. Feed everyone delicious but poisonous pancakes and watch them all die. Then, when no one is left to defend their countries, take over the world!

    Current score: 0

    Ur Mom [02/08/2005]

  21. Go back in time to the stone age and show everyone the wheel and how to make fire. Go back to the present, you rule the world.

    Current score: 0

    Conor Kenny [22/07/2005]

  22. Step 1. Obtain all underpants
    Step 2. (To be determined)
    Step 3. Take over the world

    Current score: 0

    Underpants Gnomes [07/07/2005]

  23. Use Search Engine Optimization strategies to be listed first on Google search for “World Dominator.” In time, everyone will think you are.

    Current score: 1

    Rusty Z [14/03/2005]

  24. jump up and down three times and say more food then lie down on the floor and sing its a wonderfull life till you fall asleep

    Current score: 1

    bob joe [11/01/2005]

  25. Cut down all the rainforests so everyone suffocates, then when there’s nobody to protect it, seize power.

    Current score: 0

    Dylan Emperor D. [23/11/2004]

  26. Well, it would be pretty hard to compete with the others striving for World Domination, such as Disney and Walmart. But first you need to create an EVIIIL name with a cartoon character for a first name and an exotic vacation spot for a surname, such as Bambi Bahamas. Then put Dr. in front of that name. Then you need a flamethrower. A giant diamond-encreasted flamethrower and you need to form an alliance with a secretly powerful force unknown to the world such as the shopping carts which are really evil aliens in disguise planning to take over the world. Then build your way up through the Walmart industry and you are bound to gain enough power to TAKE OVER THE WORLD.
    *BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH*
    Thats my eviiil top secret plan and it WILL prevail!!!

    Current score: 4

    Bambi Bahamas [09/08/2004]

  27. Drink enough alcohol until you believe you have achieved world domination. Repeat this process many a time.

    Current score: 1

    Mike Hunt [14/07/2004]

  28. You need a cool name. Make sure people will be able to remember it. Maybe something like Bob the Surprime Overloard. This works even better if you are a female using a male name.

    Current score: 1

    Amanda [25/05/2004]

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