How To Achieve World Domination

November 1st, 1999
Bill Gates looking angry

Bill Gates: an evil overlord?

Do you want to be the all-powerful overlord of Earth?

Do you long to command armies to do your bidding?

Would you like gorgeous models to massage you erotically for days on end?

Follow the Gorskys’ tips on how to achieve world domination, and you can have it all.

  • Shave your head. Evil overlords look considerably more potent when blessed with advanced male-pattern baldness.
  • Devise an innovative plan to take control of the world’s infrastructure. Threatening to detonate a nuclear device and thereby pollute the world’s atmosphere just won’t cut it any more. France has been doing it for years, and no one gives a toss.
  • Be creative. Holding all the world’s toilet paper to ransom might be clever, but imagine how much more effective you’d be if you infected the water supply with laxatives first.
  • Threatening to tickle the President of the USA is unlikely to have you appointed Supreme Commander of Planet Earth.
  • Hire minions who can actually hit their targets. Most failed evil geniuses seem to hire cross-eyed sharp-shooters who can’t hit an elephant from one pace. These employment practices, while low cost, simply allow plans to be thwarted with ease.
  • Beware of anyone named James Bond or Batman. They will thwart your plans. If you do capture them, kill them immediately. Whatever you do, don’t give them a detailed explanation of your plan.
  • Make a budget and stick to it. We got this from an article in Cosmo, but it applies as much to potential All Powerful Rulers as the personal assistant on a savings plan. It’s no use getting halfway through building your doomsday device only to approach the bank for a loan of $58 billion because you over-spent on the catering. Bank managers are notorious for their lack of insight an imagination, and will probably refuse the loan.
  • A sausage sizzle to raise funds for your evil plans is unlikely to be effective. You will probably need to hold a series. Say the first Sunday of every month for the next 80 years.
How To Achieve World Domination

Your Tips on How To Achieve World Domination

  1. Step 1: Build a time machine.
    Step 2: Go back in time, pose as the Nastradamus, writing all kinds of prophecies (that are true, of course.)
    Step 3: Make sure that at least one of the prophecies tells of your world domination.
    Step 4: Forget you read this— my plans! Mine! All mine!
    Step 5: Hire a troupe of battle-trained circus midgets to teach all who oppose you a very good lesson.

    Current score: 0

    Evylyn Vessel [27/01/2003]

  2. Spend countless hours in complete isolation repeating the mantra: “I am the supreme overlord of all that is”. Once you have compeltely convinced yourself of your supremacy, avoid all human contact(inferiors might contaminate your all mighty aura of power) and enjoy.

    Current score: 0

    Freddy [27/01/2003]

  3. Build an underground hydraulic city that will raise on your demand. As the ozone layer disappears, the world’s people will become red-burnt and crispy. There will be an epidemic of dry skin! Humans, desperate and dry, will crawl slowly but surely into your lush and wonderful underground world. Upon arrival greet them with gift baskets of lotion and leaves for chafed, pained skin. They will love you. I do understand underground worlds have their complications-(all of which I have solved and compiled into a handy pamphlet: ‘A Gopher’s Bliss’).

    Current score: 0

    Snufkin Marsala [27/01/2003]

  4. Declare your 5 acres of land a principality. Then declare war on the world and have your troops wipe out the world’s armies.

    Current score: 0

    Alejandro Dominguez [05/01/2003]

  5. Hold the local dairy to ransom.

    Current score: 1

    Emma Taylor (New Zealand) [05/01/2003]

  6. Become a television preacher. Get everybody to send u large amounts of money for "donations". Gradually change your sermon to, "God sent me to be your ruler you pathetic mortals!" Then you will have a horde of whoever watches those shows. Use your new fortune to buy more airtime in more stations. Eventually you will be on every channel, 24 7. Use the rest of your money to build an army of flaming monkeys to kill any who resist.

    Current score: 0

    Lord Ironpig [05/01/2003]

  7. Prior to the next presidential election, tell the public that every person who votes for you will recieve a gift of US$50 million if you are put into power. They will vote for you in the hope that you might not be lying.
    Do not lie.
    Buy all gold you can afford, buy all the foreign currency you can afford, buy all the material possesions you can afford and most importantly BUY MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF FOOD STOCKS!!!
    Then persuade your public to hand over alot of thier possesions and their own food reserves.
    Tell them there might nucleur war, and that all of these things will be taken to bunkers.
    Only now do you give each of them their US$50 000 000. This will cause hyper inflation and you will be one of few people left who has any material possesions. Their money will be worthless and you will have massive food stocks and large amounts of other material objects.
    Tell your public that you have not lied to them, but have exploited their ignorance. Tell them that this can easily be done again.
    Tell them that they will be fed and handed back their possesions if they agree to hold you as their ruler and overlord.
    If they do not wish to comply, do not feed them.
    Now you have complete control of the most powerful country in the world. Get other smaller countrys who have no real say to join your movement.
    Your might and the might of these smaller countries put together will be extreme and total world domination will be an easy step by step process.

    Current score: 0

    Ben Fairgrieve [05/01/2003]

  8. Become a television preacher.
    1.) Promise large amounts of money to those who give large amounts of money (example: "God will bless you abundantly as you bless us abundantly!")
    2.) Use healings as leverage for your gain in power and wealth (example: Lay a hand on old vietnam-vet John Doe and ‘speak’ to the demon of missing arms or limbs-"Deviillll, I demand in the name of the Lawd, that you leave this man right now! I said right now![Demons are generally deaf] God Almighty heal this man!!! Touch his booodddy oh Lawd! Do a creeeeaaative miracle! Right now!" Have old John Doe pop an arm out of his sleave and wiggle his new-found fingers and hands, as he exclaims. "Praise God! I couldn’t do this before! [Fingers wiggle] Or this [swing 'new arm' in air] Hallelujah!")
    3.) Be a dynamic speaker. To see the best example of this go to an Amway convention and observe their speakers. They sell monogramed towels at the drop of a hat, why can’t you sell God the same way?
    4.) Have a woman that sits beside you on you Christion television program who is as old as Mother Theresa yet is fully preserved due to her extensive plastic surgery. She must put the "gaud" in gaudy.
    5.) Have great hair.

    Current score: 0

    Phillip Montano [05/01/2003]

  9. Promise to end world hunger by giving "Easy Cheese" to everyone. People will hail you as a hero and beg you to rule the world.

    Current score: 1

    Erik [05/01/2003]

  10. First hire every washout child actor from the past 20 years, including Gary Coleman. Give them all a bad case of herpes, give them wooden spoons and attach explosives to their backs. Then sick them on every world leader giving them mild flesh wounds and disgusting STD breakouts, or even death. After that put the backstreet boys and Nsync in a pit of death and force them to fight eachother to the death, then for a surpise ending unleash the washout child actor forces again. Then everytime someone opposes your rulings, just release the washout child actor forces on more pop singers until people get the message…….then when pop dies…. and people still oppose you…burn their houses down with napalm…with them inside it. Then, to all of your remaining enemies pass out lolypops with sodium in the center so when they get to the chew center their heads will explode. After those steps you will be an overlord.

    Current score: 0

    Kurt potschmoka [05/01/2003]

  11. First start a religion and kill anyone who isnt in it. Make it something simple so that every one will join without any hassle, like, its whatever religion your followers already are except that pants are the work of the devil.
    Gradually integrate your own crazy beliefs until everyone belives what you do. While you are doing this breed trillions of super giant badgers and put them into suspended animation. Put them as the caps for bullets, so that when shot out they will tear everything to pieces.
    THen finally make it a part of your religion that you are supreme dicator of the world. Use the badger guns to kill anyone who opposes you.

    Current score: 0

    High Pope Of the Cult Of Anti-Toast [05/01/2003]

  12. Poop your pants as hard as you can. Run up to everyone and threaten to throw it at them.

    Current score: 2

    Yorgi Romanov [05/01/2003]

  13. Get everyone drunk on Vodka, and convince them that while they were hung over, that you became king.

    Current score: 2

    Absolut Domination [05/01/2003]

  14. Be me… Oh, wait, you can’t.

    Current score: 1

    God [05/01/2003]

  15. Recreate dinosaurs like they did in Jurassic Park, only you recreate raptors and T-Rexes and have them kill and eat everyone in the world, starting with the President of the U.S. When everyone sees the power you have with these creatures, everyone will have no choice but to bow down to you in fear.

    Current score: 0

    Croco Hallaway [05/01/2003]

  16. Create a notoriously evil legion band consisting of the worst bag pipe and accordian players that can be found. Strategically place them in countries around the world and have them play "It’s a small world after all" in shifts. Make your demands and the world will fall on its knees before you.

    Current score: 0

    Azrael [05/01/2003]

  17. Dress up in an alien costume and buy an aeroplane that looks like a UFO.Then,ask all Earthlings to bow before you.

    Current score: 0

    Iain Wang [05/01/2003]

  18. I can’t believe no-one mentioned this key point to achieving global domination. Your Name! Ensure you have, or change your name to that which would suite an evil overlord. Be careful, names such as Dr.Evil, The Penguin or The Riddler seem to end up failing their goal so aim for something more simple along the lines of say Mr Magoo or John Howard….noone would ever expect people with names like that to have the ability to take over the world! Take em by surprise!

    Current score: 0

    Andrew Brisbane [05/01/2003]

  19. Start young. Study politics and history. Go to a good college and study law. Right after graduation, run for mayor of a small city. After that, run for mayor of a large city. Then run for governor, then senator. Finally, run for President of the United States. Have the Secret Service find the head of the United Nations and blow his brains out. Take over for him. Create a stock market crash. Raise the pay in the military so that people will join in order to get a job with good pay. Make up a war for the news and the military, then send the people out to fight this "war," but you are secretly obtaining every nation on the globe. Once you are head of the world, give it to me.

    Current score: 3

    Jelinotcha [05/01/2003]

  20. Convince all hot blond women to join you by offering them shiny nicels…….offer all men hot blondes to make them join you….use men to kill all others……..rule world…..simple.

    Current score: 0

    Paul King [05/01/2003]

  21. Hire 1 clown for every major city in the world (Almost everyone is scared of clowns). Irradiate them until they are at least 100 feet tall, then unleash clowny doom upon the earth. If not frightened to death by the sight of nuclear-fire breathing clowns, many will be trampled to death anyway. Sit back and watch the carnage. The truly evil do get pleasure from watching clowns annihilate those pitiful humans HA HA HA…enjoy.

    Current score: 0

    Joel Delahunty [05/01/2003]

  22. Go out into the world to sell magazine subscriptions with a sob story about ghetto children. The fine print that nobody reads on the contract signs them and their entire family into your slavery. Make your slaves sell magazine subscriptions. When you have enough slaves, use their life savings to purchase weapons of mass destruction and rain destruction on all who will not bow down before you. Everyone will either be dead or your slave, and the plan is completed.

    Current score: 0

    Supercorpse [05/01/2003]

  23. By lots of jello then pour it into the ocean, when the ocean is solid, mine the fish stuck in the jello than broadcast yourself eating fish, everyone will want some. Charge outrageous prices. When you have enough money to buy guns and men and Rule the world Muhahahaha.

    Current score: 0

    Jellyman [05/01/2003]

  24. Step 1: Start a large and popular cult.
    Step 2: Have your cult members vote you into presidential office.
    Step 3: Have your loyal followers appointed into key government offices.
    Step 4: Take over Canada and Mexico. (It should not prove to be difficult)
    Step 5: Take over the world one country at a time.
    Step 6: Use genetic engineering to form a race of half goat and half pig devil children to watch over your new empire.

    Current score: 0

    Lord Threng for supreme overlord in 2026. (Im being realistic) [05/01/2003]

  25. Fill a nuclear bomb with curry! send it up into the atmosphere, and when it explodes, it will shower the whole world with radio-active curry. We will then hold all the world lager at ransom. If the world decides to pay us back, at £10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, we will let the ransom go, but they wont pay due to the sheer amount of money!!!
    ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha etc

    Current score: 1

    Richard milne [05/01/2003]

  26. Why should I ?
    I own it already!

    Current score: 0

    Bill . G. [05/01/2003]

  27. Chew on the techtonic plates until san andreas floods and you can then build on the sea bed

    Current score: 0

    Crazy dave [05/01/2003]

  28. Get a credit card. Use it wisely. Use the good credt rating to get more credit cards. Repeat. Continue until you have a credit card from every company in the world.
    Simultaneously get the largest cash advance that you can to form a $50 billion lottery. Offer everyone in the world a free ticket in the lottery if they support you as Supreme Ruler of the Universe.

    Current score: 0

    DNRC [05/01/2003]

  29. Take over TV station and pet cute animals. Proclaim they can be adopted at the station. After everyone lines up to adopt, lock them inside and do your thing!!

    Current score: 0

    Bryan Baker [05/01/2003]

  30. 1. Find a way to hoard and produce lots of food
    2. Get some biotechnicians to whip up a nice generic crop blighter.
    3. Proceed to infect every food crop in the world.
    4. Poison foodstores worldwide with, oooh… something naughty.
    5. When all foodstores and crops thoroughly shagged, make demand to starving billions, while starting on their water supply.
    6. Appear on T.V. eating a pie and chips.

    Current score: 1

    Tobithus [05/01/2003]

Got a great tip on how to achieve World Domination?