Jokes

March 3rd, 2008

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The GORSKYS.COMedy Jokes Collection is a range of old jokes sent in by readers in the late 90′s. We no longer accept jokes as we have since vowed to write our own instead.


A man on one side of a river sees a blonde on the other side of the river.

He yells “How do i get to the other side?”

The blonde replies “Youu are on the other side”.

Doc


(I made this one up, myself).

Genie named Jeannie

There once was a genie named Jeannie

Who wore her shoplifted bikini.

She heard a loud pop,

And off came her top

And had nothing on in betweenie!

Ulrike (Ricki) Thompson


What’s blue and sits in the corner?

A baby in a plastic bag.

What’s green and sits in the corner?

THe same baby a week later.

Iggy


A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie’s lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The Genie said, “Nope. . . due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So. . . what’ll it be?”

The woman didn’t hesitate. She said,

“I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.”

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Gadzooks,lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m good but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish.”

The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know, one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time,and is faithful. That’s what I wish for, a good mate.”

The Genie let out a long sigh and said,”Let me see that f*cking map!”

Karen


Two brothers wake up Christmas morning. They rush to see what santa brought them. Tim opens his a nd he got a shiny red fire truck. Jim opens his.

“Darn. All i got is a smelly old shoe” he said. “haha” laughed Tim.

“Santa hates you.” he then said.

“Ya well at least i dont have cancer!!” answered Jim.

Bob Delnen


Why did the woman cross the road? Who cares, what was she doing out of the kitchen.

dread


How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? None they just sit in the dark and bitch.

dread


What does wife stand for? Washing, Ironing, Fucking, Etc

dread


A guy goes over to his friend’s house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. “Hi, is Boris home?” asked Ned. “No, he went to the store.” replied the wife.

“Well, you mind if I wait?” asked Ned. “No, come in.” responded the wife.

They sit down and the friend says, “You know Sue, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.” Sue thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell – a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Ned says, “They are so beautiful. I’ve got to see the both of them. I’ll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together.” Sue thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Ned a nice long look. Ned thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can’t wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Boris arrives home and his wife says, “You know, your weird friend Ned came over.” Boris thinks about this for a second and says, “Well did he drop off the $200 he owes me?”

Daniel Kahn


Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone, date of birth, social security number and your mother’s maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have a masochistic complex, please press “0″ for the operator. There are 200 calls ahead of you

If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Estelle


President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, “Isn’t that Bush and Powell sitting over there?”

The barman says, “Yep, that’s them.”

So the guy walks over and says, “Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?”

Bush says, “We’re planning WW III “.

And the guy says, “Really? What’s going to happen?”

Bush says, “Well, we’re going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big boobs.”

The guy exclaimed, “A blonde with big boobs? Why kill a blonde with big boobs?”

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, “See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!”

Terry


Q: What the blind, deaf and retarded boy get for Christmas?

A: Cancer.

Ben Barrett


Q: Did you hear about the Irish Cat…..

A: It did a shit..then buried itself….

Marvin Breur


Two eggs are sitting in a frying pan. The first egg turns too the other and says, “Is it hot in here or is it just me?”

Then the second egg exclaims “AH! It’s a talking egg!!!”

Simeon Kelly


After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.

Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle’s was cold.

The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.

His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher’s wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.

When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.

Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,

Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow. Your loving husband.

P.S. Things are not as we thought. You’re going to be surprised at how hot it is down here

Terry


Basic Guide To Aussie Life

  1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
  2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
  3. Whether it’s the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery , there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
  4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he’s probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
  5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
  6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
  7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.
  8. All our best heroes are losers.
  9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
  10. It’s not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
  11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.
  12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as “a total bastard”. By contrast, your worst enemy is “a bit of a bastard”.
  13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word “mate” can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or “mateship”. Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.
  14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes.
  15. If it can’t be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it’s not worth fixing.
  16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.
  17. It’s considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.
  18. The phrase “we’ve got a great lifestyle” means everyone in the family drinks too much.
  19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host’s beer. (Don’t worry, he’ll have catered for it).
  20. If there’s any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you’d be a mug not to go.
  21. The phrase “a simple picnic” is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don’t need to make three trips back to the car, you’re not trying.
  22. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don’t sit. That’s what backyards are for.
  23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.
  24. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be solved by leaving the food behind.

Kate Johns


There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they’re at death’s door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.

As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There’s smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.

“Oh my, Pepe” says the first bloke. “It’s a bacon tree !!! We’re saved!!!”

“You’re right” says Pepe, “Praise the Lord !”

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there’s the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.

“Pepe, Pepe – what on earth happened?”….

With his dying breath Pepe calls out …

“Ugh, run , run ! … it wasn’t a Bacon Tree.

“It was a Ham Bush! ”

Rikki Whyte


Q: Why can’t smokey the bear have children?

A: Because every time his wife gets hot he tries to put her out with a shovel.

Tina


Why did the punk rocker

cross the road? He was stapled to the chicken.

Tina Rubo


How are an airplane and a blonde alike?

They both have a little black box.

Tina Rubo

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