“I am addicted to Farmville.”
Anon.

Chris’ Answer

This is exactly the type of question I would expect from a person addicted to Farmville – too busy to even write your name whilst sowing, growing, plowing, earning coins and pissing off all your Facebook friends with constant updates.

There’s 100 million actual farmers across the planet right now struggling to make ends meet and I’m sure they are really fascinated by how quickly you can grow and sell a digital crop and make enough coin to buy a cow and put food on the table. I’m sure they weep for your addiction.

Clearly you have an addictive personality, and the only recommendation I have for you to wean yourself off Farmville is to try heroin. You’ll love it even more and it doesn’t have automatic status updates.

“Dear Sir,

Does the story about Neil Armstrong’s alleged famous words spoken on the Moon ‘Good Luck Mr Gorsky!’ have anything to do with the name of your website?

Yours truly,  LAV from Russia”

Chris’ Answer

Mr. Lav, that is a great question.

The Gorskys were named at a special naming ceremony in 1997, in which a captive audience in a little pub in Melbourne was asked to suggest a new name for the then “Toasted Marshmallows”.

There is good reason to believe that the audience member who suggested this name was a fan of internet lore, and may have been influenced by the story you mention.

The truth is none of us can remember how exactly the name came about as we were all too drunk.

Chris.

“i’m 15 and my boyfriend is 17 and i’m supposed to give him a hand job and a blow job. and i need to know how i can make sure i’m not to bad at it? any tips?”

Kaylee Poole

Gavins Answer

He is obviously pressuring you into this so here’s how to give a good hand job: It is basically the same as a Chinese Burn. Twist his penis back and forth vigorously with both hands until it is red and sore. The screams of pain will indicate that he is enjoying it.

A blow job involves striking the erect penis with a firm, forceful ‘blow’, much like a punch.

If he says that you are doing it wrong tell him to go find someone his own age to do it for him.

I hope that helps.

Gavin Baskerville

Chris’ Answer

Although as a heterosexual male I have never given a blowjob or a handjob to another fellow, I have heard that it’s good to be able to “suck a golfball through a garden hose”. So get yourself a length of gardenhose and a golfball, and see how you go. And remember, if your ears implode when you’re sucking, take a short break.

Good luck.

“My girl will not let me do her in the A hole is there anything I can do about this cuz there no reason to date a girl with phat ass if she don’t let you do her in it thank”

Jason Valencia

James’ Advice

What a great question Jason, and thanks for leaving your full name.

If your girlfriend wont let you do her in the A hole, perhaps she’ll let you try her B hole or C hole. I guess her D hole would be her ear and her E hole would be her nose. An F hole is the two thin curvy holes in a violin where the sound comes out.

Maybe you should go fuck a violin.

“hi im lorraine im 150 overdrawn of my account and i need money today if possible can u help me please im struggling”

lorraine saunders

James’ Advice

Hi Lorraine. Thanks for leaving your full name.

I cannot tell you how many times I have been asked for money in the street, but this is the first time someone has tried to beg money from me using a submitted question to an internet comedy website. With brave, original thinking like this I am sure you will be able to wipe out your debt soon.

Following this reasoning, try asking for money from a McDonald’s drive-through window or the speaking clock. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised at the results.

James Hazelden

“i want to become a worldwide celebrity famous like justin timberlake or brad pitt. how can i do this? is there a special school? also i want to date emma watson from the harry potter films.”

bob berts

Adams Answer

Everyone gets their fifteen minutes eventually so technically all you have to do is wait.

Personally I think waiting is totally overrated. If you really want to get famous quickly I have a secret no one else knows about.

A few years back some dude invented this thing called The Internet. According to George Bush, The Internet is a series of tubes that connects everyone’s computers.

All you have to do is be a fat kid in his basement waving a broom handle and BANG… Famous! Or you could be a hired actor who plays this depressed teenage chick on youtube BANG… Famous chick! You could sleep with Emma Watson… BANG a Famous Chick!

Now I know what your thinking: This has all been done before. That’s true but The Internet doesn’t want original ideas. It wants rehashed ideas with lightsabers drawn in.

I hope this has helped, even though I know it hasn’t.

Out.

Adam McKenzie

James’ Answer

If you want to be famous, then you should kill a celebrity, like Justin Timberlake or Brad Pitt. When they ask you why, tell them you did it to impress Emma Watson, from the Harry Potter films.

Now, she will either be impressed and go out with you, or she will be disgusted and hate you – but either way Justin Timberlake will be dead.

James Hazelden

“How hard do you suck to give a lovebite? And do you roll your tounge over their neck while your doing it?”

Cara McCruddens

Gavins Answer

If they continue eating their dinner and make a gruff comment about the politician talking on the television, you’re not sucking hard enough. Rolling your tongue over them will probably not help in this case.

If their head falls off, you’re sucking too hard.

Rolling your tongue over them once they’re dead is generally considered gauche.

Gavin Baskerville

James’ Answer

You’d have to suck majorly to consider giving someone a lovebite. I had one once and I had to tell my mother I accidentally hit my neck on a shelf.

James Hazelden

“well,i like a boy but he offends me all the time .once upon a time he liked me now no.what can i do for this?”

kantarena gjelaj

Gavins Answer

You can stop liking him.

Enjoy the rest of your life.

Gavin Baskerville

Dans Answer

You can’t make someone like you, but you can certainly kill everyone they love with a machete.

Also, I find a cup of tea with honey and lemon can be very soothing and help take your mind off things.

Dan Walmsley

James’ Answer

Forget him Kantarena! Have you read what you wrote us? You have the first verse of a KILLER BLUES SONG! Fuck him. You’re going to the next Robert Johnson.

James Hazelden

Vayas Answer

Either… send him a text that slyly contains the words ‘love’ and ‘kisses’ and the letters of your name in the body, wait 5 weeks for a reply, spend the next 14 hours trying to crack the code of the 4-syllable response so that ‘good how ru’ somehow ends up meaning ‘you are awesome and I have been thinking about you and planning our wedding’, get a mutual friend to find out when he will next be at that bar you saw him at that time, come up with a totally plausible reason to be casually strolling into it, spend the last of your pay packet on new hair, a new outfit, a tan, a wax and a pedicure so that when he sees you he is reminded that you are hot and he has loved you all along.

OR, play Roxette’s ‘It Must Have Been Love But It’s Over Now’ really loud and then get out and find some of those fish in that sea people are always talking about.

(PSST! You’re supposed to do second one.)

Vaya Pashos

“I really need dating advice. My boyfriend wants to have sex…but it’s only been about 6 months. I really, really do love him, and I would, but its a family hes wanting. While I’m fighting with myself over this, he is out with another girl, Nina. I think he’s cheatting on me… Help me?”

Chloe Eron

Dans Answer

Hey baby. It sounds like you’re hurting. So, your man’s not giving you what you want? There there, come rest your head on my shoulder.

See, men can be so cruel. You just try to do what’s right, and they can only think of themselves. Is it okay if I put my hand here? Just to comfort you.

So – this Nina girl. She sounds like a real piece of work. I bet he’s gone to first base with her already (or further!). That manipulative bastard. If I were you I’d give up on men entirely.

If it would make you feel better, you can stay overnight. Just to cuddle. I’d do that for you.

You know, I just thought of a way you can get back at that cheating bastard.

Dan Walmsley

James’ Answer

So if I’m reading your question correctly, your boyfriend wants to have sex but “it’s a family he’s wanting”? That’s a lot of people to want to have sex with. Is it his own family he’s wanting? Is Nina his sister?

He sounds weird. Dump him and kiss ladies.

James Hazelden

“I hate my myself. I get bad grades i wish i was somebody else like Chancho.”

gerrum gashaw

Gavins Answer

We all wish we were Chancho. I do, every day. Unfortunately, until those lazy scientists get off their asses and invent a mind swapping device, there is no way to become somebody else, let alone becoming Chancho.

Don’t worry about getting good grades. Most of my friends who got bad grades went on to become highly paid builders and labourers. I got good grades and I’m broke.

Trust me, ladies like money a lot more than brains. And if you make lots of money people like Chancho will hate you so you won’t have to hate yourself.

Go get ‘em Tiger!

Gavin Baskerville

James’ Answer

Don’t feel bad. I have it on good authority that Chancho hates himself too. He might be getting good grades, but he is secretly embarrassed about his enormous scrotum. Trust me – you don’t want to be Chancho.

James Hazelden

Chris’ Answer

I often wish that I was someone else. However, if you’re going to wish to be someone else, make it someone awesome like Stephen Hawking. Imagine the grades you would get if you were Stephen Hawking. And Chancho would be jealous of your grades, and also your motorised wheelchair and voice synthesis. Awesome.

Chris