Nervous Twitch

May 8th, 2004

“I HAVE A NERVOUS TWITCH THAT MAKES ME KILL PEOPLE, HOW DO I MAKE IT GO AWAY??”

Some Bozo

Liam’s Answer

I am presuming that you’ve tried killing your next door neighbour, bathing in her blood and eating her entrails in an orgy of death, and you still have the urge to kill.

The problem with an uncontrollable urge to commit murder is that, followed to it’s logical conclusion, you’ll soon run out of people on the planet, be the last person left alive, and still be unsatisfied. So, in order to finally satiate your needs, you’ll kill one last time, blowing your brains out and leaving the world to be over-run by cockroaches. And no one wants that. Cockroaches are horrible nasty creatures who, quite frankly, don’t deserve to inherit the Earth.

You need to control your nervous twitch now, before it’s too late.

Many twitchy killers swear by Serapax. It’s calming, available from your local pharmacist, and has a nice box.

I call these people losers.

Serapax is a girly drug that only takes the beautiful edge off life.

A better way to control your urges is to apply electrodes to your genitals, and plug them into a power socket. Not directly, obviously. You don’t want to cook yourself. Instead, plug it into an AC/DC adapter, and deliver yourself a 30 volt electric shock everytime you flick the switch.

You’ll find this so enjoyable, killing will be the last thing you want to do when you’re hands are a bit twitchy.

Chris’ Answer

Shyness affects us all at some stage of our lives, and it affects us all in different ways. Personally, I get little butterflies in my tummy whenever I am about to walk on stage. Liam gets all twitchy and fidgety.

There’s no shame in having a bit of a nervous twitch in social situations. But going on to kill? Well, to be honest, that’s just poor manners.

Killing another party guest is extremely impolite to your host. It says “This party is so bad, it’s not worth living through.”

Imagine how you’d feel if someone said that of an event you’d spent all day tidying the house to prepare for.

I think, to be honest, you should stay at home alone on Saturday nights, if that’s how you’re going to behave.

Nervous Twitch  

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