Icy Sex

August 11th, 2004

“My girl has this habit of not having sex with me. We’ve had sex before, but nowadays I have to work harder and harder. How can I make that silly girl want me like she wants chocolate ice cream?”

Jake Southland

Liam’s Answer

You want your girlfriend to have sex as much as she wants chocolate ice cream? Easy. All you need to do is apply the simply lessons learnt by that famous Russian psychologist, Pavlov.

Pavlov conditioned his dogs to salivate whenever they heard a dinner bell. By conducting a series of experiments, Pavlov proved that his dogs would salivate when they heard the bell, whether or not they were going to be served dinner.

Jake, your mission is to get your girlfriend to strongly associate sex with chocolate ice cream.

There are three key stages you need to go through.

During the first stage, serve your lover chocolate ice cream each evening. Tell her how beautiful she looks as she savours each mouthful. Tell her you love her. Once she’s finished the ice cream, offer to give her a massage. If you’re lucky, after a few nights of this treatment, she’ll reward you with sex afterwards.

In the second stage, have sex with your girlfriend while she eats her chocolate ice cream. Please note, it’s much less messy if she has the ice cream in a cone, rather than a bowl. This stage will more strongly cement the pleasure of ice cream with the sexual experience.

In the third stage, after you’ve had sex, serve your lover chocolate ice cream. After a few weeks, she’ll begin to associate the sweating and grunting of vigorous sex with the upcoming reward of chocolate ice cream. You’ll know she’s reached this point when, one day, her orgasmic sigh of “Oh yesssss!” changes to “Baskin Robbinsssss!”

At that point, you’ll know that, whenever your girlfriend is feeling hungry, she’ll be horny too.

Be sure not to get your girlfriend too addicted to ice cream-related sex. It’d be awful if one day you discover her in bed with Ben and Jerry.

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