Hirsuit Issues

May 27th, 2008

“heres the deal… i dont know how to say it but i have the most great ammount of facial hair. no matter how hard i try whether it be stubble or not it always returns to twat. i often use mach 3 turbo but it does not do the trick.. as you know by my name i am a lady and it is therefore not normal. i cannnot get boyfriends because i have more hair than them!!! i look like a yeti and is therefore not attractive.”

Regina Filangi

Dan’s Answer

Wow! You sound like one heck of a lady! I’m going to assume that since you wrote something on the Internet everything you say is true and that you exist as described.

Regarding your problem hair: Have you considered suicide? It’s more socially accepted these days than it used to be, and let’s face it, the alternatives are either painful or embarassing:

1. Laser hair removal. I’m sorry, but anything that can threaten the life of James Bond ain’t going near my face.

2. Regular waxing. I’m sorry, but anything that can softly light the romantic dinner eaten by James Bond and Pussy Galore ain’t going near my face.

3. Regular shaving. I’m sorry, but anything that can remove the chest hair from Daniel Craig in Casino Royale when all the previous Bonds were deliciously hirsute doesn’t get my vote. I refuse to touch such implements, as should anyone with a soul.

4. Accepting who you are. Well, given our constant bombardment with media images of perfect women without a hair out of place (let alone growing all over their face), the chances of you truly accepting yourself are slim to none. And even if you did, the chances of finding someone else who would are laughable.

No, it certainly seems to me like you’re stuck with suicide. Oh well – we can’t all be winners. Just make sure you don’t use one of those accursed Daniel-Craig-shaving razorblades.

I like my men hairy.

Dan Walmsley

James’ Answer

Well. You seem to have two problems here. Let’s take them one at a time:

1. You don’t know how to say you have a lot of facial hair. “I have the most great ammount of facial hair. no matter how hard i try whether it be stubble or not it always returns to the twat” is definitely not the way to say it. It is better to simply say in a proud voice, “I am an hairy lady”.

2. What do you mean you cannot get boyfriends because you look like a yeti?! Do you know how many men throughout history have been looking for and hoping to catch a yeti? Start living in a North American forest quick smart, and soon you will feel the small sting of cupid’s tranquilizer dart.

James Hazelden

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