Good Communication

February 22nd, 2007

“How can I maintain a good communication between me and my boyfriend?”

Christina Compass

Liam’s Answer

Maintaining communication between the sexes is fraught with difficulty. If you’ve read “Men and from Mars and Women are from Venus”, you’ll have wasted good money that you could have spent buying drinks at a pub to learn the same thing: women are articulate and talkative and like to discuss emotions and inner problems. Men just sit there and say “Uh huh” every so often in order to seem like there listening so you’ll snog them at the end of the night.

You can expect some key words will not pass directly through his half-listening ears. If you raise the topic of how you feel about each other, and say something like “I think we have a real future together, but I want to know what’s happening in your head, and in your heart,” he’ll probably say “Hang on, I need another drink,” as he heads to the bar to talk to someone less frightening.

If you raise hopes and dreams and say something like “You know what I really want out of life? I want to settle down with someone I can cuddle every night on the couch, and just be myself with,” you can expect him to respond “Will there still be blow jobs?”

If you raise the the topic of sport, however, you can expect him to do all the talking. That’s what men like best. Communication that’s all one way.

Chris’s Answer

The best way to a boy’s heart is to keep in constant contact with him. I recommend you try the following communication regime each day.

6:45 am – Send him a quick text message that it’s time to wake up and you love him.

7:00 am – Send him a text reminder to wake up.

7:15 am – Another text message, apologising for seeming like you’re nagging but that he hasn’t texted you to let you know he’s awake, you can only assume he’s still asleep, and he should get out of bed.

8:00 am – Call him to see if he’s awake. Leave a message on his voicemail that you love him.

8:10 am – An email to say you love him, with an attachment of a picture of a love heart.

8:11 am – Re-send “I love you” email, but this time, remember to attach the attachment.

8:15 am – Send an email explaining that the previous two “I love you” emails are NOT the “I love you virus”, but a real message of desire and affection.

8:20 am – Call him and leave a message that you were calling to see if he’s got your emails yet.

11:30 am – Text him to see if his email’s broken.

12:30 pm – Call him at work to see if he took his phone to work, and if the email’s down. Leave a message on his voice mail box.

12:55 pm – Write him a snail mail letter, shaped like a love heart, in which you list the 50 best things you like about him. Get stuck at three, so start again, this time writing larger.

1:10 pm – Post letter.

2:10 pm – Read the love letter to your YouTube page.

2:20 pm – Send him the URL of you’re latest video.

2:25 pm – Post a link to your YouTube video on your MySpace page.

2:30 pm – Add a link to your MySpace page to your Blogger page, Del.icio.us, and Digg.

3:00 pm – Write a media release to the local paper about how much you love your boyfriend, and include the URL of your video.

3:05 pm – Text your boyfriend, reminding him to buy tomorrow’s paper in case you’re in it.

3:06 pm – Send an email to remind him about your hot date on Friday. Include time and place, in case he’s forgotten.

4:07 pm – Phone him and leave a message that you’ve emailed him about Friday.

4:48 pm – Take a photo of yourself with your phone, and send it to him.

4:50 pm – Take another photo, this time of you holding up a card saying “I love you”.

5:30 pm – A quick email to tell him your plans for dinner.

5:35 pm – Another email about your dessert.

6:30 pm – Send an email to him asking him not to ring you during Desperate Housewives.

8:30 pm – Phone him and leave a message that Desperate Housewives isn’t on tonight, after all, and he can phone you whenever he likes.

8:35 pm – Phone and leave a message that you’re watching CSI and not to call.

9:05 pm – Phone and leave a message that it’s an ad break and if he’d like a quick chat, you’re free for the next 3 minutes.

9:08 pm – Text message to say the show’s back on.

9:35 pm – Email him to let him know you’re phone’s out of credits, but you’ll be on MSN Messenger for a while.

11:35 pm – Log off MSN. Send him an email hoping his computer’s not broken. Tell him you love him.

Keep this up for a week, and he will be truly, madly and deeply in love with you. Or, if he’s in love with you, truly mad.

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Good Communication  

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