Can’t Give Her A Love Bite

September 14th, 2004

“No matter how hard I try, I can’t give my partner a love bite. Any advice?”

Paul Betts

Liam’s Answer

I’m assuming your partner is a human, and not an inflatable doll.

Love bites are basically bruises. The sucking on the skin breaks the delicate capilliaries just under the skin’s surface. The blood flows, clots, and eventually heals.

Understanding this fact makes giving even the thickest skinned person a huge red hickey a cinch.

Simply bash her in the neck with a hammer until the bruises show.

Chris’ Answer

Whatever you do, don’t hit your lover with a hammer.

Instead, try using a vacuum cleaner to induce the love bite. Set the vacuum to maximum power, and apply it to her neck.

There’ll be a love bite within a minute.

Note: this advice applies to inflatable girlfirends, too.

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Can’t Give Her A Love Bite