Annoyed by Bible Thumpers

May 27th, 2008

“how do i get rid of bible thumpers that come up to my front door every weekend??!”

captain.b free

Dan’s Answer

First of all, let me say that it is a travesty to hear of these individuals that thump the holiest of books.

One day I hope to create a Robo Bible that detects any unwarranted thumping and thumps back.

Secondly, this reminds me of the time my sister converted to Christianity – and then tried to convert me.

She asked me to swallow everything that’s in the Bible. So of course I did. And there’s a lot to swallow in there! Mostly paper and ink, but the odd squashed insect and, depending on your Pastor, possibly a flagon of scotch.

But, to be serious for a moment, the Bible thumpers have one weakness. Everything they say requires that you assume the Bible is true. We will get to that in a moment.

As for advice on making these “thumpers” go away, I follow the mantra that the best defence is a good offence. That’s why I propose that you create your own religion and write it in a book.

Make it something truly convoluted, baroque in its complexity. Fill it with bizarre creatures – goat-legged chimneys called Jeff who leap from clouds onto unsuspecting swimmers, or Ishmael the Hypochondriac Rabbi who is convinced his ears are planning a mutiny.

Fill your made-up religion with absurd demands for penitence or mutually contradictory laws.

And then describe it to them. Go on for hour after hour after hour.

And if once, just once, your Bible thumping friend interrupts and says “hey, hang on, that is completely ridiculous”, hold up your own book and shout “IT’S IN THE BOOK – IT MUST BE TRUE!”.

I guarantee they’ll never preach with quite the same enthusiasm again.

Dan Walmsley

James’ Answer

Bible Thumpers aren’t the real problem – it’s Bible Bambis you want to watch out for… knocking on your door with their tiny antlers. The best way to get rid of them is to go into the forest and shoot their mothers.

James Hazelden

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Annoyed by Bible Thumpers