Terrence & Spider - two bouncers it's worth getting to know.
It’s tough being a kid. All the fun’s being had inside the nightclub, but you’re not allowed in just because of those pesky underage drinking laws.
Well, don’t let that stop you. This month, we offer some useful advice on how to party like a grown up, even if you’re not.
- If you’re 16, hold your ID upside down, and pass yourself off as 91.
- An internet year is the equivalent of seven in the real world, so every hour on ICQ is the equivalent of a day in real life. This means the average web-addicted teenager is really 43.
- Confuse the bouncer. When he asks your age, just give him your birthdate, and let him do the math.
- It’s best to use wit and intelligence to get past the bouncer, but sometimes $20 will do.
- Pay nine 13 year olds to line up in for the club in front of you – they’ll get knocked back for being so young; you’ll look old in comparison, and be let right in.
- Never having kissed anybody is a clue you’re young or very religious. Neither is good for getting into clubs, so lie if asked. But be convincing. 10 is a reasonable number. 10 million is not.
- It may be cool to get to know the bouncer, but don’t invite him to your school’s football game.
- Bouncers like to think of themselves as being the peak of physical perfection. Challenge him to do 4,000 push ups. While he’s demonstrating, go into the club.
- Remember, a long coat and a ten-year old sitting on an 11 year old’s shoulders makes a 21 year old.
- Don’t play hopscotch while waiting in line.
If you’re a girl you can stuff your boobs with toilet paper and put thin pillows over your butt cheeks to make it look like you’ve got a huge butt. If toilet paper doesn’t work, then try buying double-padded bras.
If your a girl, break out into tears and start yelling, “Why didnt you call me, I thought we had something!” at the bouncer (this has worked 8 outta 9 times).
Crouch over and say you can’t find your wallet because your memory is acting up. The bouncer will think your about 70 and you can get in.
Tell a Jahova’s witness group that the bouncer is possesed and while he is being exorcised, sneak in.
walk into on the club on a cell phone and when you get to the bouncers say loud and clear “daddy loves you”
Set yourself on fire and beg them to let you in to get some water to put out the fire… to avoid attracting unnecesary attention in the club its a good idea to extinguish yourself
Scream “It burns! It burns! Oh it burns!” and just run in. The bouncer will be so confused he won’t notice.
Find out the boss’ name, and say you’re his daughter and need to tell him something urgently.
Come rushing up pulling on your shirt and adjusting your dacks and laughing while you tell them about the nude disco queen contest goin’ down right now in the alley just over there…and get ready to club on!
Just appear very drunk and it’s blatantly obvious that you got in somewhere else, and therefore must be over 18.
Go onto the internet and find as much info on Margaret Thatcher as you can. Impress the bouncer with your knowledge, and explain that anyone under the age of 18 is too young to remember the last tory government.
Walk up to the bouncers alone and on your mobile. Pretend you are having a huge argument with your boy/girlfriend/mum etc- fake crying.
I’m a bouncer in rotherham and by God we’ve heard some mad excuses. Few weeks back some trouble kicked of, we escorted the lads of the premises, meanwhile a 11 year old dressed in a Versace shirt, black trousers and new shoes sneaked in. A friend said to me, “It’s like a school in there”. I went in and by gosh he was tiny, held his hand and escorted him as if he was me little son, so it can work but you soon get caught out!!
Learn to speak another language, or at the very least learn to fake it. The more obscure it is, the better. Pull the “I am a hot Brazilian/ Slovak/ French/ Swedish tourist bravely attempting to speak English, my passport is at my hotel obviously as I can’t take it with me, but of course I’m 18, this is my gap year!!!” trick. ACTUALLY WORKED for me at one of Paris’ “exclusive” (but crappy) clubs.
Get some crayons and draw stubble on your cheeks
This sounds pretty crazy, but seeing as i was born in 1988, I changed the 8 to a 6 by getting some blue tac and using a needle to place the blue tac over the top right corner of the eight to chnage it to a 6. This has worked for me in Australia and most of my friends at most night clubs!
make your own night club up and party hard like your parents
Invite an enemy to the club with you (to bury the hatchet) then stand behind them and yell, “The bouncers are gay!” expertly pin it on your enemy, and sneak in as the bouncers bounce on your guest.
Just get a group of several friends together (preferably same sex and looking similar) then all use the same ID. If the bouncer thinks this is suspicious, just tell him that you were all cloned from the same person.
Burn the club to the ground. (Hey, if you can’t get in on the action, then no body else should be allowed!)
Throw up on the bouncer, then apologise, say you will go inside for some loo roll, and never come back. Then drink more, and throw up on him again when you leave, and run – hard.
Start talking about who you’re going to vote for as you approach the entrance.
Workin’ as a cowhand has its benefits.
Just bring one of the electric cattle prods to town. You go in, or the bouncer has a reVOLTing experience. Want some new best friends? Pass the prod down the queue. Want some new worst enemies?
Sneak the batteries out first.
If you’re a woman, lure the bouncers into an alley way one by one, and hit them over the head with a handbag full of tinned cat food then lure the next ones. (Note. bouncers are so thick that they wont catch on)
Getting into a club is a remarkably simple endeavour. After you’ve seen Star Wars, smoothly walk up to the door, making sure to make eye contact with the bouncer. When he stops you to ask for your ID, Wave you hand before his face and say "I am not the under-age drinker you are looking for. You don’t need to see my identification. I can go about my under-age drinking. Move along."
turn 18
For the ladies who are under 21, when the bouncer asks how old are you? just say “You are sooo sweet! Thanks for the compliment!” Works every time.
Tell them how old you really are. if the bouncers don’t let you in, stand outside for several years until you are 18.
Ask the bouncer for id, it confuses them.
Dress up like a bouncer and say your here to take over for him.