You know you're drunk when the Creme de Menthe runs out, and you're prepared to try anything green.
Every night there are ads on TV about the evils of drinking and driving.
The ads warn about how the police will test your blood alcohol at any time, and burn your licence in front of your eyes if you’re over the limit.
It’s OK for them. They’ve got sophisticated equipment costing thousands of dollars to test you with.
All the average driver has is their blurry visions and fuzzy recollections to help them work out if they’re drunk or not.
This month, we look at some sure-fire signs that you’re too drunk to drive.
- The bouncer suddenly looks really hot.
- You have trouble speaking clearly. “Hi” comes out as “Wanna shag?”
- You can’t decide which steering wheel to use.
- Your wallet has only $5 left in it, all in 10-cent pieces.
- The Hell’s Angel in the corner suddenly looks like a wimp.
- You’re dying for a Big Mac, even though you’re a vegan.
- Your feet are sore from dancing, and the trivia night is only half way through.
- Your mouth feels all furry because you’ve just drunk the ash tray.
- You can’t remember where you parked your car.
- You can’t remember what sort of car you own.
- You can’t remember what a car looks like.
- You catch yourself singing karaoke, and enjoying it.
- You just spent an hour chatting up a cigarette machine.
- You consider urinating in the wash basin, rather than waiting in the queue.
- You urinate in the wash basin rather than waiting in the queue.
- You urinate in the queue.
- It’s taken you an hour of yelling, a thrown drink and a knife fight to realise that you and your friend have been in total agreement all along.
You hit the car on the nose and yell at it when it doesn’t work.
Then you drive the dog home
You insert the keyring into the keyhole instead of the key
You try to insert the keyring into the keyhole instead of the key
Your car looks suspiciously like a dumpster, and it smells
You actually enjoy Pearl Harbour
You get a sober person to breathe into a jar for you, so you can use it to fake your way through the breathilizer test.
You realize you couldn’t drive home even if you were sober, because you’ve just drunk the entire contents of your fuel tank.
You get into the back seat by mistake and call the police thinking someone has stolen the steering wheel.
You’ve just lost a sporting bet that you can jump off the roof of the pub without breaking your shins.
Errrrrmmmm…. it’s like, when (hic) you get in the car… and (hic) wriggle that stick thing (hic). And your make up isnt on anymore… (hic) it’s on your clothes instead… (hic) and you get home (belch) and realise that you have never had a lesson, and don’t own a car. And this isn’t your city.
You know the person you’re going home with is ugly as 50 pigs and you’ll hate yourself in the morning but you go home with them anyway
You make 17 phone calls in a row and all of them make sense before you discover some thief swapped your mobile for a banana
You sniff your pits and think “Hey, I’m smellin’ good.” Then wonder why everyones moved away.
You stand up and yell “Buy the house a drink! It’s on me!!”, repeatedly, and discover the next day you have an empty wallet and a $13,000 credit card bill.
You go home think you scored with a hot chick, then you realise youve got your arm around a coat hanger in a dumpster.
Sit there and gaze at the road for an hour while trying to find the ignition.
You look in the mirror to see a tinnie ringpull print on your forehead.
You brag about your addiction to self pleasure.
Y do Gremlins in the fridge keep turning the light on and off every time I open it?…………This question brings up moral and ethical complications of which you cant get your head around!!! WAY to drunk to drive!!
You think that drinking aerosol cans will make your breath smell good.
You chat up a bar stool
You get so desperate to pull, you chat up your mate’s dad.
When the doctors need to look for some blood in your alcohol stream.
You’ve been snogging a hot chick you picked up for half an hour when you relise you’ve been kissing the wing mirror, and carry on.
You lose the argument you are having with the lightpole on the way to find your car.
You go to The Gorsky’s to find signs that you’re too drunk to drive.
You think Elton John’s a cool, hip, modern wonder, famous especially among the teens.
You actually manage to drink your car then drive your stubby.
You try to drink your car then drive your stubby.
You forget where you carked your par.